Ozzy Osbourne to Replace Judge Judy on CBS as ‘Judge Ozzy’

CBS announced that Ozzy Osbourne will be joining their fall lineup as star of the new reality courtroom show, “Judge Ozzy’. 

Earlier this year CBS and Judge Judy Sheindlin parted ways after a successful 25 year partnership. There was no explanation for the parting, but insiders have told of scandal, intrigue, international espionage and a mystery man. “You didn’t hear it from me “ said Producer, Linda Kay Parker, “but it may have something to do with a certain former Mayor whose initials are Mike Bloomberg.”

The irrepressible Ozzy Osbourne will hold court as presiding judge on Judge Ozzy. Music fans are sure to be thrilled that Ozzy’s Black Sabbath bandmate, Guitarist Tony Iommi will function as bailiff on the show. 

Although Ozzy has no legal training or education whatsoever, he promises a tough, no-nonsense approach to jurisprudence, and vows to do his best to mete out justice for all. 

“I left school at age 16 to work in a slaughterhouse” said Ozzy. “I have been arrested many times and I have been in trouble with the law all my life. I have a history of drug abuse. I was once arrested for peeing on the Alamo. Who is better qualified to be a TV judge than me?”

In the debut episode, Ozzy presides over a case involving actress Alyssa Milano who is suing Subway because the footlong sandwich she purchased was only 11 inches. The other cases involve a man suing his wife because their baby was ugly and musician Steven Van Zandt suing a NJ restaurant because he found a rat penis in his gabagool. After the ruling Van Zandt commented “What did he say? Did I win or lose? I couldn’t understand a word he said.”