K-tel Records Releasing New Woke Versions of Rock’s Greatest Hits!

By Claudia Stavola

The compilation will be called Woke-n-Roll Hits Your Kids—and people from Africa, and the Middle East, and Europe, and India, and All Nations We Can’t Fit Here, But We Don’t Want to Leave Anybody Out—Can Love. You’ll recognize all your favorite jams rerecorded by the original artists (maybe) with safe-space titles and lyrics.

You’ll hear remakes of all the classics, and then want to drive off a cliff when your kid is singing along while stroking their therapy skunk. But you want to seem like a hip, understanding parent, so you’ll go along with remakes of “Paint It Black” with Mick and the boys singing, “I see a red entryway…” (not everybody has doors…especially in the Amazon) “…and I want to paint it a shade of beige that goes with everything.”

And who could forget Mötley Crüe’s hit, “Smokin’ in the Boys Room”? They realize most of their fans are dead from poor decisions, so they need to appeal to the whippersnappers. They have a new version of their top twenty hit renamed, “Vapin’ in the Gender-Neutral Bathroom.”

K-tel Records Releasing New Woke Versions of Rock’s Greatest Hits

22 Woke Hits By 22 Woke Artists

Other songs on the album include:

“Handicap Accessible Ramp to Your Idea of Utopia” by Led Zeppelin
“Sweet Age-Appropriate Person Who I Adore but Don’t Own” by Guns N’ Roses
“We Are All the Champions, Even If You Only Showed Up and Didn’t Play” by Queen
“Episodic-Moods-Easily-Managed-with-Medication Train” by Ozzy Osbourne
“Free-spirited Romani Person Who Doesn’t Rob People Despite No Known Source of Income” by Fleetwood Mac
Let’s Dance without any Physical Contact So You Don’t Think I’m Harassing You” by David Bowie

But wait, there’s more! If you preorder the Woke-n-Roll album by October 15, 2021, K-tel will throw in—absolutely free—a loaf of stale bread for you to give to a homeless person to make yourself believe you’re the most woke whitey ever.