Willie Nelson Interview

Madhouse Magazine: Willie – It is a great honor to speak with you. You are amazing. You turned 87 this year and you just released your 87th album, “The First Rose of Spring”. 

Willie Nelson: Well it’s great to be here, I love Madhouse Magazine. Me and Snoop get stoned all the time and laugh our asses off reading your magazine. 

Madhouse Magazine: Thank You – so do you really smoke as much weed as people think you do?

Willie Nelson: No – I smoke a lot more. [laughs]. I smoke two joints in the morning, I smoke two joints at night, I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints, and then I smoke two more. I even once ran into a burning house to save my weed. 2 of my kids almost dropped from smoke inhalation, but I saved my weed. Now that’s dedication. 

Madhouse: Wow that is a lot of joints. There have been a lot of rumors and legends concerning you. Tell us about your visit to The White House?

Willie Nelson: Man I smoked weed with Kings and Queens, I snorted cocaine with FDR, I toked with Richard Nixon and a Spanish hooker named ‘EL BJ’. But I did get invited to the White House by Jimmy Carter. Following a dinner in which the president spoke of his days as a male escort, Chip Carter knocked on my bedroom door and invited me to the roof to enjoy a fat ‘Austin Torpedo’. At first I was very nervous, I never heard of a fat Austin Torpedo before, so I thought it was some kind of weird sex thing. I said sorry Chip I ain’t one to judge what a man does in the privacy of his bedroom, but I ain’t into that scene. Chip laughed and pulled out a big fat joint. I got my suitcase of weed that I smuggled in and we went to the roof. We stayed up all night and smoked a pound of weed. The view up there is pretty damn cool, We saw UFO’s, martians and Jesus.

Madhouse: What about the time you went over Niagara Falls in a barrel?

Willie Nelson: Oh man that was a real hoot. Once again all these stories start with smoking weed with Snoop Dogg. Then I think it was Neil Young who said – hey Willie why don’t you go over the falls in this here barrel. So we tried it out with Mellencamp’s cat, and he survived so I jumped in the barrel and they sealed me up. Less than twenty minutes later, I was recovered from the bottom of the falls, bleeding from the head but otherwise uninjured. It was wild man, I smoked a joint, laid back and enjoyed the ride. It was a little bumpy there towards the end, but it was fun. I even wrote a song on the way down.

Madhouse: You have been married quite a few times?

Willie Nelson: Yes I have been married 9x to 10 different women. I have 73 kids I know about and 11 I don’t. My first wife was a live one, she used to tie me up in bed sheets and beat me with a broomstick. That was her idea of foreplay. She was a thick bow legged woman with a cleft palate. We once had a marathon 9 hour sex session in which we did a complete backwards somersault with her still attached. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. 

Madhouse: You were quite the athlete.

Willie Nelson: Yes in High School, I was on the football, baseball and basketball teams. I ran track, I was president of the golf, debate and chess teams. And in my free time I raised pigs and picked cotton. Snoop didn’t believe me so I had to school him and I whipped his ass in a game of one on one basketball last week. 

Madhouse: Why don’t you know your exact birthdate?

Willie Nelson: Well my mother was in labor for 3 days. Some say I emerged but then crawled back in, on day 2. The doctor was also fond of his gin, so no one is really sure, but it’s definitely sometime in April. 

Madhouse: Well you certainly had an interesting life. Before we go, tell us something no one else know. 

Willie Nelson: Ok well I just want to say F*ck The IRS! Do you know that they came after me because I was banging some agent’s wife. She told me that he was a real freak too. The only way he could get off was by picking his nose until it bled while she whacked his testicles with a car antennae. 

Madhouse: [laughing] Thank You Willie! You are the best. 

Willie Nelson: My pleasure man, it was a blast – I love Madhouse – keep on keeping on.