Ted Nugent Hunts & Eats David Crosby

Rocker Ted Nugent posted a photo on his Instagram account, posing with David Crosby’s severed head. The caption read, “Almost Cut My Hair’. 

Nugent, an avid hunter, apparently tracked, hunted, and downed Crosby with a Crossbow. Uncle Ted set a trap and lured Crosby to his Sunrize Acres hunting grounds in Michigan, with the promise of illicit drugs. 

Nugent and Crosby have had a feud since 2017. Crosby reacted after Nugent blamed his lack of a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction on political correctness. Crosby responded: “No, the a$$hole just isn’t good enough.” Nugent then called him a “bloated chemical repository carcass” who “desperately seeks hygiene.” 

After luring Crosby, Ted waited patiently in his tree stand for a glimpse of his prey. After spotting David, Nugent gave the singer an hour long head start. “I then tracked him, and followed his fresh droppings” said Nugent. “I shot him in his giant buttocks first, and then dropped him with a perfectly placed arrow.”

“Getting the carcass cleaned and cooled as soon as possible was Job1”, said Ted. “Surprisingly, Crosby was not gamey at all. He was quite delicious. We quartered him, removed the backstrap, fat, muscle and silver and then marinated him for an hour or so in really good olive oil and melted duckfat, covered with a little herbs and some Goya Adobe seasoning. We served with onions, peppers, garlic and small potatoes cooked in the drippings, and it was the most unbelievable tastebud exhilarating meal you can imagine. ‘Bloated Crosby ala Nugent’.”

Due to the current anarchy, lawlessness, and purge mentality in the land, Nugent has agreed to pay a fine, and record a public service announcement as part of a deal to plead guilty to transporting an illegally killed rock star across state lines.