Ted Cruz’s Hair Responsible for Fire at Houston Restaurant

By Claudia Stavola

– Three people were critically injured at a Ranchero King Buffet in Houston, Texas over the weekend after Senator Ted Cruz was there to have dinner with his family.

Cruz was feeling particularly glamorous after filming another YouTube video in clueless-dad jeans, so he decided to take his family out to eat in hopes of being recognized and fawned over by people with barbecue sauce on their cheeks.

When the manager learned of Cruz’s arrival, he offered the senator and his family a tour of the kitchen. Cruz has been sporting a sweaty-homeless-Antonio-Banderas-meets-Rubeus-Hagrid kind of look lately, so the cook asked if he wouldn’t mind putting on a hairnet in the kitchen to which Cruz replied, “I WILL NOT WEAR A HAIR DIAPER!”

Ted Cruz’s Hair Responsible for Fire at Houston Restaurant

As he whipped his head around in a fury, the grease dripping from his beard and hair splattered onto the stove. Fire immediately engulfed the area as Cruz knocked women, children and his own family over; fleeing the restaurant like George Costanza at a kids’ birthday party.

The head cook and two customers were hospitalized in critical condition. Fifteen others were also hospitalized but that was from getting the runs after overindulging in Bistek and Pupusaas.