Springsteen Pleads Guilty to DWI, Sentenced to be Trump’s Butler

Bruce Springsteen appeared before Magistrate Judge Anthony Boombatz today and pled guilty to three Class B misdemeanors. 

Springsteen, 71, was charged Nov. 14 in Sandy Hook at Gateway National Recreation Area with drunken driving, reckless driving, farting in public and consuming alcohol in a closed area. The farting in public charge was dismissed for lack of evidence. 

Judge Boombatz, known for his $50 fines and 50 minute lectures, is very tough on drunk driving. The judge declared that Springsteen will be sentenced to work for 1 year as Donald Trump’s butler. 

“Mr. Springsteen, you may think you are the boss, but for the next year, Donald Trump will be YOUR boss” admonished Judge Boombatz. “You will report to Mar a Lago immediately to begin your sentence. You will fulfill all butler duties for President Trump, including picking up his soiled underpants.”

An unnamed source, who’s initials are Jon Bon Jovi, told Madhouse News that Springsteen had a 0.52% blood alcohol level. The legal threshold for intoxication is 0.08% under both New Jersey and federal law. That is way past the legal limit. It is actually a new record high for NJ, breaking the previous high score set by Freddie Fry in 1996, who scored 0.46%. 

After sentencing, Bruce went on a tirade, spitting on reporters outside of the courtroom. “I am just a regular blue collar guy from NJ” said Bruce, as he hopped in his waiting limo that whisked him to his private jet.