Scientists Build Doomsday Vault to Protect Keith Richards

Deep in the bowels of an icy mountain on an island above the Arctic Circle between Norway, the North Pole and the Candy Cane Forest lies a resource of vital importance for the future of humankind. It’s not coal, seeds, oil or precious minerals, but Keith Richards.

Keith Richards is the guitarist and riff master general for the Rolling Stones for 60 years. Even though Richards has the constitution of a horse and has consumed more drugs and drink than any man alive, precautions must be taken. In the case of global catastrophe, the world needs to know that Keith will be preserved fro future generations.

Keith Richards

Since 2008, the Svaldbard Global Seed Vault in Norway has served as one of the last lines of defense against the annihilation of plant life on Earth. The secure facility, built into the side of a mountain, holds over one million seed samples, offering hope that if all other existence of a crop is wiped out, a final backup will still be available. Oreos and Twinkies also have vaults in the area.

This is great if you want fruits and vegetables or whatever, but what if you want Rock n Roll? With that in mind, a global cooperative of Scientists from around the world grabbed some land right down the road from the Svaldbard Global Seed Vault. They then built a state of the art Global Keith Richards Vault. Bring on the apocalypse.

Doomsday Vault to Protect Keith Richards

The vault is asteroid proof and can withstand anything the world can throw at it. The entrance leads to a small tunnel-like room filled with the loud whirring noise of electricity and cooling systems required to keep the temperature within the vault consistent. Through one door is a wide concrete tunnel illuminated by strip lighting leading 430 ft. down into the mountain. At the end of this corridor is a chamber, where Keith Richards is being stored. Down the hall will be where all of the Rolling Stones music is being stored. Millions of hours of audio and video since 1963 to the present is cataloged and preserved for future generations. Richards will be released to tour and record with the band.

As an added precaution, Keith is wrapped in mylar. Mylar can withstand temperatures from -80 degrees to 300 degrees Fahrenheit. It is impervious to chemical reactions, moisture and air, keeping Richards fresh and protected for years to come.