Sammy Hagar Apprehended by Fashion Police

(*By Claudia Stavola)

Sammy Hagar was apprehended by the fashion police in Juneau, Alaska over the weekend.

Officer Rudy Paulson spoke to Madhouse news about the incident. “I was patrolling my regular beat when all of a sudden I see what looks like a man in a Shakira wig wearing Croc sandals and capris. I said to myself, ‘Oh no. Not on my watch buster!’ The laws are very clear. You don’t wear capris when it’s below 55 degrees; when you’re over 65; or when you have a penis (unless, of course, you’re European).”

According to local news reports, witnesses say Hagar was pissed. “I love capris! Everybody knows I have horrible fashion sense. I once dressed like a mustard bottle with ketchup stains on it for crissakes. What’s the big deal? Everybody knows I can’t drive 55, and I don’t dress 65! Woo hoo!” He seemed oblivious to the fact it was 26 degrees and his toes had fallen off.

One fan found Sammy’s big toe on the sidewalk and asked him to sign it. Hagar’s known for being friendly with fans so he told the guy to toss it to him while maintaining at least six feet distance. He ‘Purelled’ the toe before tossing it back to the fan and being taken into police custody.

Sources say Hagar fled to Juneau when he learned they have one of the lowest number of Coronavirus cases in the country. He thought it would be a good place to continue badmouthing Eddie Van Halen since Alaska is about 25 to 30 years behind in current events than the rest of the country.