Rolling Stones Open New Amusement Park in Liechtenstein: “Stones Land”

The Rolling Stones have opened their first amusement park today in central Liechtenstein.

Located deep in the alps, the amusement park, will take visitors through seven themed lands with more than 50 rides, shows, and attractions scattered among them. Notably, the park’s opening will mark the global debut for the Stones “Before They Make Me Run” Adventure Ride, in which each guest must attempt to smuggle a suitcase full of heroin through customs. Riders that get caught will be stripped down, cavity searched and spend the rest of the day in a Turkish style prison getting beaten with car antennas. 

“Altamont Land” will consist of amusement park guests running a gauntlet of Hells Angels wielding pool cues. “It was so much fun” said guest Frank Lima, “I got my skull cracked pretty good, lost a tooth and I think I may have been compromised by a rather large fellow named Mongo. It was all in good fun though.”

There will be a snack bar that sells Dead Flowers, Brown Sugar Donuts, Black & Blue Cookies, and of course, Goats Head Soup. Adjacent to the snack bar, will be the Mother’s Little Helper daycare center. Parent’s can drop off their brats and go out and enjoy some of the adult excitement at the attraction, Exile on Main St. – Main St. will feature 17 different bars, 3 strip clubs, a french whorehouse, a brothel, an opium den and 9 weed dispensaries. Apparently everything is legal in Liechtenstein. 

Other adventures and attractions include: “Who’s You Daddy”, get a paternity test to see if Mick Jagger is your father, as a recent study concluded that 51% of all people in the world are fathered by Mick Jagger. “Swim with Brian”, cool down in our water park and race a Brian Jones look alike in our olympic size swimming pool. 

For those who have no idea where Liechtenstein is, it is bordered by Switzerland to the west and south and Austria to the east and north. It is Europe’s fourth-smallest country, with an area of just over 160 square feet and a population of 38. It can only be reached via hot air balloon as they do not have an airport. Hans-Adam II, the Prince of Liechtenstein commented “We are thrilled to have Rolling Stones Land in our little country. We are looking forward to raking in some big bucks as you say.”