Rod Stewart Interview

Infamous Rock journalist and internationally acclaimed interviewer Claude Balzac recently sat down for an in depth conversation with the legend Rod Stewart.

Madhouse Magazine: Hi Rod, so happy to see you again.

Rod Stewart: You too mate, Last time we met we went out on a 3 day bender and you ended up crying in a ladyboy brothel in Bangkok. I have to tell you that I cannot get enough Madhouse Magazine. All other magazines are rags. I laugh myself silly. I especially love when you make fun of Bon Jovi, what a wanker that guy is, I can’t stand him. 

Madhouse: Well that was a long time ago, we better get started, I know you have a tight schedule. So how have you been holding up during these crazy times?

Rod Stewart: Oh I have been fine. I drank myself into stupidity for 6 months but now I have cut back on the drinking and have been in training. I have taken up boxing and MMA. I plan on fighting Conor McGregor this summer. 

Madhouse: You got into a bit of trouble last year?

Rod Stewart: Yes, I allegedly beat up 7 security guards at a Florida nightclub after they disrespected my family and refused us entrance to a private event. I starting throwing punches and karate kicks. I kicked the spleen out of one security guard and broke the ribs of another. 

Madhouse: Witnesses described the melee as some crazy “Chuck Norris sh*t.” The security guards were hospitalized with cuts, scrapes, broken bones and concussions. 

Rod Stewart: Hey what can i say, don’t Fook with me or my family and you won’t get hurt.  

Madhouse: So you received a great honor recently. 

Rod Stewart: I am guessing you are talking about my prostate being inducted into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. It was about bloody time. That thing has been around the world 50 times and has seen more than most and keeps on ticking. 

Madhouse: I imagine you have had your fair share of women. Or as you call them, birds. 

Rod Stewart: Oh yeah. I have had more than all of them. More than that fat weirdo Gene Simmons, more than Mick, Plant and Daltrey combined. I threw away more than they ever had. In the 1970’s I had hot and cold running groupies. I had so many birds, I had to put them on layaway. My STD’s had STD’s. The Faces had a doctor on staff, to give us a shot of penicillin every morning. 

Madhouse: Wow, sounds like you guys had a real good time. 

Rod Stewart: We did. We really did. The 80’s weren’t bad either. I had every actress in Hollywood twice. 

Madhouse: What about drugs? 

Rod Stewart: No thanks, I’m driving. [laughs] I took more Cocaine than 10 honest men. I was worried about ruining my nasal cavities and thus my voice, so I started inserting the coke into me bum. It worked out great. 

Madhouse: I am sorry but I have to ask about the infamous rumor concerning your stomach getting pumped and the 2 gallons of semen. 

Rod Stewart: Oh bloody heck. I have been asked that for 40 years. Let me go on the record right here and now. I have not now, nor have I ever orally pleasured a sailor, or any bloke for that matter. Luke Thompson, my former publicist started that rumor as revenge for being fired. He told the press that after I spent the night orally servicing a gang of sailors in a gay bar in San Diego, I had been required to check into a hospital emergency room to have my stomach pumped.

Madhouse: Well speaking of semen, how is your relationship with Elton? 

Rod Stewart: Oh you cheeky little monkey, you are going to get me into trouble. Me and Elton just made up. We had a little spat, he was angry because I whipped his chubby little buttocks with a towel. Then I laughed when he started crying. It’s all good now. 

Madhouse: So tell us the story of Maggie May

Rod Stewart: ‘Maggie May’ was written about how I lost my virginity to my big boned nanny at age 14. The nanny, ‘Grunhilde’ was 46 at the time, but looked 52. She was a large buxom woman with a mole on her face and an aching in her heart. Grunhilde made a man out of me in the woodshed.

Madhouse: Thank You Rod, it certainly was a pleasure.

Rod Stewart: My pleasure mate, what say we go out for a pint, kick some soccer balls around and then find some birds. We can see if we can stir up some lady boys for you [laughs] – Keep on Madhousing, you guys are the best.