Ringo Starr Interview

Infamous Rock journalist and internationally acclaimed interviewer Claude Balzac recently sat down for an in depth conversation with the legend and International treasure, Ringo Starr.

Madhouse Magazine: Hi Ringo, thanks for hanging with me today. It is great to see you again.

Ringo Starr: Great to see you Claude. Last time I saw you was at The Rainbow in Los Angeles. You were the last member to be inducted into the Hollywood Vampires drinking club. After that night we hung out I literally threw up my guts and had to have 12 feet of my intestines removed. I have a semicolon now.

Madhouse: Yes those were good times. So you had a rough time growing up.

Ringo: Yes at age 6 I developed appendicitis. Then during surgery I contracted peritonitis. Then I fell into a coma for 2 years. The day I was released, I contracted tuberculosis. At that point I was admitted to a sanatorium for 2 years. That is the reason I am a germaphobe and do not shake hands. I prefer deep mouth kissing. Did you know the hands contain much more germs than the mouth or the butthole. True story.

Pete Best

Madhouse: How do you get along with Pete Best.

Ringo: Pete Best is the worst. I had no problem with him but he had a problem with me. I do not understand why, I had nothing to do with him being fired. I understand it was a traumatic event to be sacked from The biggest band of all time, but why take it out on me. He should be mad at Paul, but he always comes for me.

Madhouse: I understand there have been some incidents recently

Ringo: Yes he attacked me at the Get Back premiere. I admit I started it with a joke. I handed my keys to Pete as if he was the valet. I said The Black BMW. I thought that was funny but he did not and took the keys and threw them into the Orange Julius dispenser. I then replied to go get your effing shinebox. Everyone laughed and he felt humiliated.

Madhouse: Was that the end of it

Ringo: No Pete ran off and returned a few minutes later with a handful of drumsticks and drum paraphernalia. He immediately tackled me and screamed,You took my job, dam you. Now you are going to sign all of this stuff and I am going to sell them on Ebay. Pete was bashing me over the head with a bass drum and jammed a drumstick up my nose before being pulled off by Sean Lennon. I was not injured and told Pete that he should know Nothing will be signed after the 20th of October!” It’s going to be tossed. I’m warning you with peace and love. I have too much to do, so no more fan mail! And no objects to be signed. Nothing! Anyway, peace and love, peace and love.

Madhouse: Did you guys make up after that

Ringo: Well I thought we did but then I hear he was caught rubbing his bollocks on my drum kit at the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. Yes that’s right, Pete was rubbing his ‘nads and taint all over my drum kit. I told the Rock Hall they can keep that kit. I definitely do not want that back.

Madhouse: Well hopefully someday you guys will work that out. Anyway you are Sir Ringo. You have been knighted. How did that go?

Sir Ringo

Ringo: Oh boy that was a disaster. The ceremony took place at Buckingham Palace, and Prince William was just to tap me on both shoulders with a sword, say a few words, and be done with it. I was nervous but during the ceremony I felt immense pain from my ear and felt something warm on my neck. I didn’t think anything more about it, I thought I was sweating, but it turns out it was blood. The Prince accidentally sliced my ear with the sword, and blood was running down my neck.

Madhouse: Well Thank god that you are OK

Ringo: Yes at least I have a good story out of it. It could have been worse. Paul was knighted by the Queen and was aroused the entire time. He is an animal.

Madhouse: What new projects do you have in the works

Ringo: I am joining the cast of The Deadliest Catch. I am going to be crab fishing off the Alaskan coast on the icy Bering Sea. It is the most deadliest job in the world. Right behind alter boys. I start out as a deck hand on the ‘Time Bandit’ boat, captained by Johnathan and Andy Hillstrand. I was always fascinated by the sea, and often dreamed of crab fishing as a boy back in the port town of Liverpool.

Madhouse: Can you clear up something for me, I read that you had an affair with Paul Lynde

Ringo: Are you insane? I once dated Lynsey De Paul who is a girl. You are lucky I like you Claude, I killed a man for less than that.

Madhouse: So how are things with you and Yoko

Ringo: Well now that we are both getting older I think it’s time to say, I really hate Yoko. She broke up the Beatles and took a dump on the carpet in my house while staring in my eyes. It was the most terrifying thing I ever witnessed.

Madhouse: Thank you Ringo, you are an International Treasure, keep on being you.

Ringo: Thank you for the laughter, God bless Madhouse.