Claudia Stavola Reviews “Queen”!
When Adam Lambert auditioned for American Idol with “Bohemian Rhapsody,” nobody understood where that audition would take him years later. And nobody understood what the f*ck Paul Abdul was saying. Her incoherent speaking was sloppier than Octomom’s vagina after birthing octuplets. She was axed that season, and Lambert went on to front rock powerhouse Queen.
I was visiting my mom in Florida so the timing was perfect to see them in Miami at the BB&T Center. I’m not sure what “BB&T” stands for but based on the torpedo tits and man-ass I saw at the beaches, I assume it means, “Balls, Boobs, and Taint Center.” This suspicion was confirmed when I entered the arena. Everywhere I turned were big, sloppy boobs waiting to be motorboated. But dudes tend to get angry when you ram your head in their chest unannounced. So, I refocused and got ready for the show to begin.
The show was sold out and I was stuck in the middle of the row. The smell of 25,000 people in 84-degree weather started to hit me like an Indian food truck if said truck were jammed into a windowless Smart Car. How is a Lee Rider Canadian tuxedo one’s choice of fashion in stifling weather…and in 2019?
The first number, “Now I’m Here,” off of the Sheer Heart Attack album, was quite exciting. It began with a silhouette of Brian May entering the stage in what appeared to be a Frizz Ease commercial: wind blowing his perfectly symmetrical coils of silver lusciousness as he grasped his guitar (that probably doubles as a blow-dryer). The music was tight, the sound was loud, and the visuals were on point. Then Adam Lambert emerged in a gold lame´ and black brocade suit with a black chiffon pirate shirt. The pants were tighter than a bedsheet around Jeffrey Epstein’s neck. That would explain Lambert’s ability to hit notes out of this stratosphere.
Boy can he sing. But early on in the show, Lambert made it clear he was a fan just like the rest of us and he wasn’t trying to replace, or be, Freddie Mercury. The previously suspicious and uptight crowd seemed to be put at ease by the frontman’s statement. The arena was so relieved that they farted in unison.
Lambert definitely gave justice to the showmanship Queen were always known for. He’s animated, dramatic, and can raise his voice higher than a pit bull being “trained” by Michael Vick. He’d be perfect at one of my family gatherings, especially if he can hold a grudge and take a punch. “Somebody to Love” was the showstopper I expected it to be. The crowd joined in when prompted, and ruined one of the greatest songs of all time. Nobody needs to hear a fat 60-year-old in jorts wheezing “somebody” over and over again.
A beautiful moment came in the show when Brian May was alone on stage with his guitar for “Love of My Life”—a song which Mercury usually sat beside him. May appeared to be floating amongst the darkness and sea of phone lights. That was song number 13 and his hair was still frizz-free. His hair was as smooth as the performance.
Just like Freddie Mercury, Adam Lambert has striking looks that radiated on stage. He has jet-black hair, piercing blue eyes, and BPA-free skin. I hope he calms down with the plastic surgery though. I felt like I was watching Joan Rivers doing an Elvis impersonation. Looks aside, one the most riveting performances was “Under Pressure” which had Roger Taylor more than adequately singing Bowie’s parts. To realize in that moment, two of the greatest artists of all time are dead, and we’re stuck with Nikki Minaj being touted as one of the greats of our time—“He tryna kick it like a ninja; He tryna stick it like syringes; He don’t ever play the benches; So I’mma let him touch it if he playin’ with some inches” –made me throw up in my mouth a little. That also could’ve been the rancid cheese sauce from the nachos kicking in. All in all, it was a fabulous show.
Claudia is a talented Comedian & Writer. Catch her on Monsters of Rock Radio, Weekdays 5-9AM Pacific / 8AM-12PM Eastern