Phish Fan’s Drug Induced Stupor Wears Off; Realizes Phish Sucks

Everett Walker, a lifelong Phish fan, and heavy drug user, came to a harsh realization recently. 

Walker snapped out of his fog and had a moment of clarity. “WTF am I listening to? What is this crap!?” snapped Everett. “This band sucks! They don’t even have any songs. Come to think of it, I can’t even name one song. My entire life is a lie. I have been following this sh*tty band for 30 years and I can’t name one song. All they do is Jam! It is completely horrible. They don’t have any charisma, they just stand there!”

Grateful Dead Minus The Melodies

Everett continued, “I was a Grateful Dead fan, and just assumed I had to be a Phish fan as well. Now I realize they are The Grateful Dead minus the melodies, originality, good songs, and coolness. Remove the Grateful Dead’s charisma and everything good about them and you have Phish. Kind of like cooked bacon vs ra bacon and I am Vegan!”

Walker looked around at the dirty hippies, trolls, wooks and tour rats that surrounded him. “Was I like that? They can’t possibly enjoy this nonsense!? I wish I could shake some sense into every one of them. Good god it stinks like a$$ up in here, don’t these people bathe!? They all look like they are covered with the Plague! OMG I probably got scabies just standing here.”

Phish Sucks

Walker was having a complete breakdown and panic attack. “I am never doing drugs again wailed Walker. “All drugs should be illegal. I am done, I am getting a job and I am going to start listening to songs that have melodies, structure and are 3 minutes long.”

As Walker pulled away in his 1978 El Camino, you could hear the smooth sounds of Phill Collins coming from his AM radio. 

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