Penniless Bob Dylan Forced to Sell Songs to Make Ends Meet

A destitute Bob Dylan was forced to sell his entire six-decade catalog of songs to Universal Music Group for pennies on the dollar. The catalog said to be worth upwards of $300 million was purchased for just $12,000 cash and a used Ford Econoline van. 

Dylan who once had a net worth of $180 million, lost his fortune to online gambling and pyramid schemes. “I lost it all” said Bob. “I got hooked on the online gambling and then I made a lot of bad investments with a series of Nigerian Princes that I met online. I am telling you this internet is a bad thing.”

“It is no exaggeration to say that his vast body of work has captured the love and admiration of billions of people all around the world,” Universal Music Group’s chairman and CEO Sir Lucian Grainge said of his “enormous pride” at the deal with Dylan. “And I am especially prideful that we took advantage of his current situation and got the songs for a song, if you will.”

Dylan — who had previously controlled most of his own songwriting copyrights — sold more than 600 copyrights spanning 60 years, Universal said. That includes classics that made him an icon — such as “Blowin’ in the Wind”, “The Times They Are a-Changin’”, “Like a Rolling Stone”, and “Tangled Up in Blue” — to the 79-year-old songwriter’s latest album this year, “Rough and Rowdy Ways.”

“I will use the money to buy some Christmas presents for my kids and grandkids” said Dylan. “I know the catalog was worth more, but I needed the dough and they drove a hard bargain. I can live in the van and park it in my son Jakob’s driveway. I don’t need fancy things. I live a simple life.”

UMG salivated at the thought of how they can use, abuse and prostitute Dylan’s catalog. “We already have many sponsors lined up that have been dying to use Bob’s songs in ads” said a spokesperson. “We picture using ‘Rainy Day Women’ to sell ladies feminine hygiene products and Maury Povich called to license ‘It Ain’t Me Babe’ for his paternity test show. The options are endless.”