Paul McCartney Interview

Infamous Rock journalist and internationally acclaimed interviewer Claude Balzac recently sat down for an in depth conversation with the legend and International treasure, Paul McCartney.

Madhouse Magazine: Hi Paul, thanks for hanging with me today. It is great to see you again.

Paul McCartney: Claude my man, last time I saw you was at my bachelor party. You were trying to talk me out of marrying Heather Mills. Then You gave that toast and you made the one legged joke about her working at IHOP restaurant. You were drunk but you were right on, I should have listened. By the way I love Madhouse. The Beatles used to read Madhouse all the time. The Maharishi used to read it to us out loud during our trip to India. He laughed so hard that milk came out of his nose. I love when you make fun of Yoko.

Madhouse: Good Times, speaking of Heather, did you really steal her fake leg?

McCartney: [laughs] I sure did. Did you know that Heather joined the circus when she was 17 and lost her leg in a monkey tricycle accident? She was a bad woman and stole a lot of my money. As I was leaving the courtroom, I snatched her fake leg and took it on tour with me. I would strum it like a guitar and make jokes. Funny banter like, This one’s Leg it Be, I Saw Her Standing There On One Leg and stuff like that. After the show the band and I drank vodka out of the prosthetic.

Sir Paul

Madhouse: You have been knighted Sir Paul. What was that like?

McCartney: It was all too much. So very exciting, I couldn’t believe that as I knelt down before the Queen, I felt my pants tighten. I thought to myself oh god no, Not now. It was embarrassing, I felt like a schoolboy called up by the teacher but I had no books to put in my lap to conceal my tallywhacker. There I was in front of the Queen with a stiffie. I did everything I could think of. I pictured my Nan on the loo, I tried counting sheep and thinking about Yoko naked, but nothing worked. When the queen tapped me on each shoulder with a naked sword as I knelt on the investiture stool, I thought I was going to blast off.

Madhouse: I heard a story that you once caught Dave Grohl staring at your Willy

McCartney: Yes The incident occurred back in 2012, when we appeared with together on SNL. I was taking a wee in the loo and Dave comes in and stands next to me. He starts making small talk and then I noticed he was looking down at my Willy. I was very surprised, it wasn’t a quick glance either, it was a long stare.

Madhouse: I would imagine you have a lot of issues with weirdos and stalkers

James Corden

McCartney: Good lord yes it is a big problem. I had to recently get a restraining order against that chubby freak James Corden. I was nice enough to do his stupid show and he became obsessed with me. One day I looked out me window and I thought I saw a baby whale or some type of sea creature in me pool. It turned out to be Corden swimming naked in my swimming pool. I had to have the whole pool drained and sanitized. He also had his bare buttocks on my furniture. I had to burn everything. Police were called and they chased the naked laughing Corden around the grounds before finally tasering him on his testicles. He was like a greased pig on ice. He is very fast for a man of his size and girth. They finally caught up to him and tackled him. He was squirming around and giggling so they tasered him on his privates. That certainly calmed him down.

McCartney: Then there is another bloke that claims I am following him. He told a judge that since 1964 I have been peering in his window and appearing everywhere he goes. I have never met the man. The judge called him a loon and threw him out of the court room.

She Came In Through The Bathroom Window

McCartney: Then of course there was the time I caught a woman literally coming in through my bathroom window. After being burglarized, I setup a bear trap in my house and caught 2 robbers trying to break in. I shot one with a crossbow and took the other down to the dungeon to be tortured. That was the end of the break-ins.

Madhouse: You are now an author. You have written a series of Children’s Books. I love the latest book, Even Rock Stars Poop.

McCartney: Yes it’s to teach the wee ones how to poop on the potty. To announce the arrival of the new book, I even live-streamed myself taking a poo while reading the book. We all poop but Yoko had the largest poops of all. She was like a bear in the bathroom. She once broke the toilet at Abbey Road studios and the smell forced us to evacuate. Another time while we were on break, everyone left to get a drink and it was just me and Yoko. She pooped right on the carpet in the studio while she stared directly in my eyes. It was the most terrifying event of my life. John wouldn’t believe me and that is why the band broke up. So yes Yoko broke up The Beatles.

Madhouse: The Beatles have a new song out.

Yoko

McCartney: Yes Yoko told me that she had a tape of John singing. She handed me the cassette and when I listened it was just 20 minutes of Yoko farting and laughing maniacally screaming the Walrus was Paul. She had a good laugh but then she gave me the real tape of John singing and playing piano. Through technology we were able to put together George’s guitar parts with me and Ringo’s stuff. It is a true Beatles song. The last you will ever hear. Of course it is a bad song otherwise it would have been released 50 years ago. It is still better than anything else released nowadays.

Madhouse: Thank you Paul, you are an International Treasure, keep on being you.

McCartney: Thank you and keep making me laugh. The world needs you.

*Paul McCartney Illustration By Paul King Art