Ozzy Osbourne Exclusive Interview

Infamous Rock journalist and internationally acclaimed interviewer Claude Balzac recently sat down for an in depth conversation with the legend and Prince of Darkness Ozzy Osbourne.

Madhouse Magazine: Hi Ozzy, Good to see you again. Thanks for chatting with me today.

Ozzy Osbourne: My man Claude. You know I love Madhouse Magazine. The Greatest Rock n Roll Comedy Magazine in the World! I have been reading you for years. Back in the day I used to roll your magazine up to snort me drugs. I also used to read it to my children as bedtime stories. Jack would laugh so hard. 

Madhouse: Last time we saw each other was back in the crazy days. We were in a fancy hotel in Los Angeles and Tommy Lee from Motley Crue stopped you from moving your bowels in a crowded elevator.

Ozzy: Oh lord yes, I am not sure if I actually remember that or I remember it from interviews and recollections. Either way, I then went to Tommy’s room and crapped on his floor. I then scooped it up and wrote, “Helter Skelter” on his wall. Jack told me the Hotel manager charged us for damages but then he cut out the sheetrock and sold it on Ebay for $1.7 Million dollars. 

Iron Man

Madhouse: So how are you feeling now? You just had surgery.

Ozzy: Oh I feel great. Never felt better. It’s been rough, I had a boil the size of your head on me bum and then I got a staph infection from shaking a dirty hippie’s hand. I was falling apart so I hired a team of surgeons to rebuild me. I got the idea from watching the old Six Million Dollar Man TV show. Jack also turned me on to the Iron Man movies starring Robert Downey. 

Madhouse: So you are now a Bionic Man? Iron Man?

Ozzy: Exactly, Both legs, an arm and an eye were replaced with bionic implants. I can now run at speeds of over 60 mph, and my eye has a 20:1 zoom lens and infrared capabilities. My bionic limbs all have the equivalent power of a bulldozer. I can also now crush a walnut with my butt cheeks. 

Madhouse: Wow that sounds amazing?

Ozzy: [laughs] Yes but wait, there’s more. I can bang like an 18 year old. Plus they created a mechanized suit of armor for me. This grants me a genius level intellect, extreme durability, agility, reflexes, and senses. I have Supersonic flight, missile projection and regenerative life support. I am all set.

Patient Number 9

Madhouse: Thank God for science, now let’s discuss the new album. I love the new song with Jeff Beck. 

Ozzy: Yes the album will be out on September 9th. It’s going to be amazing and I have some of my good friends appearing. Guitarists Jeff Beck, Eric Clapton, Mike McCready of Pearl Jam, and of course Zakk Wylde. Will Smith is even playing drums. He is hysterical. I loved him in ELF. 

Madhouse: Wait a minute, you mean Chad Smith the drummer for Red Hot Chili  Peppers? 

Ozzy: No, Will Smith the actor and comedian who also plays drums for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 

Madhouse: [laughs] Ozzy, they are two different people. Will Smith is the actor that was in ELF. Chad Smith is the drummer for Red Hot Chili Peppers. They look a lot alike though. 

Ozzy: Oh my god, I just thought Chad was a nickname that his friends called him. I thought it was strange that Chad was not really that funny in the studio, but I just assumed it was because he was concentrating on the music. I wonder if I ever actually met Will Smith then. 

Tony Iommi

Madhouse: That is hysterical. I understand Tony Iommi appears on the album as well. 

Ozzy: Oh yeah, this is the first time he appeared on one of my solo albums. It was like the old days. We were reminiscing about the groupies. I remember one time during a particularly wild night at a hotel somewhere, Tony came running out of his room going, Aargh! My knob! My knob! I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that he’d been messing around with this groupie when he looked down and saw all this yellow pus coming out of her. He thought he was about to die. Did the pus smell funny? I asked him. Yeah, he said, white in the face. I almost puked. For the rest of the tour, He was concerned his willie was going to fall off. Good times.

Madhouse: You seemed to have a lot of trouble in the past controlling your bodily functions around national landmarks.

Ozzy: [laughs] Yeah I peed, vomited or pooped in or on The White House, The Alamo, Buckingham Palace, Stonehenge, Eiffel Tower, Big Ben, Taj Mahal, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Great Wall of China, The Pyramids, Machu Picchu, Acropolis, and Colosseum in Rome. I left my mark on basically every landmark in every country over the last 50 years or so. 

Madhouse: You certainly left your mark on the world that’s for sure. You are an International Treasure, take care of yourself. 

Ozzy: Thank You, and God Bless, and I certainly will. I am going to be around for a long time.

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