Nick Cannon Impregnates Billie Holiday
– By Claudia Stavola – Even though Billie Holiday has been dead since 1959, lothario Nick Cannon has managed to impregnate the beloved singer. No sleet, snow, freezing rain, menopause, death, or decay can stop the sperm-slinging media mogul from knocking up women.
“My baby batter is like a laser-guided magnet—it’s drawn to the most beautiful women in the world. I got no control where it’s going, but one thing’s for sure … I always be coming,” Cannon laughs as he explains himself to Madhouse.
He told our reporter, Jay Dees-Peubstasch, that he isn’t done making kids that he hopes to meet on a Zoom call someday. When asked if he has any favorites amongst his brood, he said, “That’s the great thing when you don’t really have time to know them—you can love them all equally.”
The multitalented star has no plans to slow down and even has his sights set on other dead beauties including Dorothy Dandridge and Betty White. But first, he’s getting ready to welcome baby number 289 with latest girlfriend, Valerie from the seventies cartoon, Josie and the Pussycats. She hasn’t met any of his kids yet because neither has he.
Claudia Stavola:
Author of 100 Things to Hate Before You Die
