NHL Commentator Mike Milbury Stuck at Home with A Bunch of Women

By Claudia Stavola

Disgraced sports announcer Mike Milbury decided to leave Toronto during the NHL playoffs after his comments about women being distracting, upset a joyless sector of society often referred to as millennial “feminists”, who readily bang men that say, “s’up” to them via Tinder. Now he’s stuck at home with his wife, daughters, and a cleaning woman.

Madhouse Magazine uncovered an old interview with Boy’s Life magazine that proves he’s always had difficulty relating to women. In it he stated, “Girls smell funny” before giggling and running away with his hand over his mouth. He also pulled reporter Jan Hein’s ponytail and kicked her in the shin.

According to Milbury’s oldest friend Mike Rotch, the former pro hockey player can’t get shit done at home because Milbury has difficulty staying focused when his wife walks into the office with “dem titties and ass” hanging out. He does his best to ignore her but another source known only as “Mike Milbury’s son who lives at home” told Madhouse his mom often walks into his dad’s office and sits in a chair tapping her fingers until he asks her what’s wrong. She usually says, “Nothing” before looking away and pouting until he asks again. (If only he could find a bubble to escape so he could get some work done)

Madhouse reached out to Milbury for comment but he couldn’t come to the phone because his wife was beating him over the head with it for not noticing her new hairstyle.