MTV VMA’s Review

“Angry Guy” featuring “Lil Angry Guy” reviews the MTV VMA’s! From the Prudential Center in Newark, NJ on August 26, 2019.

It’s 2019 and the MTV VMA’S are taking place in Newark NJ. Doesn’t Newark have enough problems? First there is lead in the water and now the VMA’s! It is rumored that NJ Governor Phil Murphy lost a high stakes card game and therefore Newark was forced to accept the VMA’s this year. Newark’s Mayor commented “Even Newark is too cool for the MTV VMA’s. Does MTV even still exist? I thought it went off the air years ago.” 

I was denied access to this prestigious event, so I sneak in. I walk in backwards waving goodbye and security is confused.  Before they realize what happened I am in the green room hob-nobbing with mega celebrities like “Fetty Wap” and “Billy Ray Cyrus”. 

I attended many VMA’s in my day and backstage was usually like a scene out of Caligula. One time I saw Billy Idol and David Lee Roth snorting cocaine off of Madonna’s butt, while Prince fisted a 1 legged midget. Now there is a “safe room” backstage that offers cookies, coloring books, bubbles & Play-Doh. Some jokester yelled “Trump” into the “safe room” and 3 people died.   

It is a night filled with bland pop songs, hairless boys, hairy girls, gay cowboys and Sebastian Maniscalco. Sebastian Maniscalco!? WTF is he doing hosting this? He is a funny comedian. The average age of the crowd is 14, they laugh nervously as they take selfies and look at their phones.  

I end up in the gender free bathroom standing next to Queen Latifah at the urinals. Wait, What!? In walks Lenny Kravitz. A real cool AF Rock Star! Testosterone is dripping off of him. I say hey Lenny what are you doing here? Lenny confesses he made a wrong turn, he thought he was going to The Yankees game. Lenny gracefully refused my handshake, which is understandable under these conditions. 

There’s always been shitty music, but there used to be great music to counteract it. In 1976, “Disco Duck” was #1 and the Ramones debut album sold 2K copies. But at least The Ramones existed.  

The highlight of the night was when Taylor Swift won an award. John Travolta was the presenter. Swift and her entourage of gays, hired by her “People”, stormed the stage. A confused Travolta presented the award to Drag Queen Jade Jolie, thinking it was Swift. Travolta later hauled Missy Elliott to the curb, thinking she was trash, because she was dressed in her signature “hefty  bag” costume. “Hey it was an honest mistake” commented Travolta, “That guy looks just like Taylor Swift, and Missy was dressed in a garbage bag for Christ sake. Maybe it’s time I get glasses.” 

Well I am outta here! This show was about 3 hours too long. It was how I picture “New Years Eve at the Nut House”. As Madonna  once said – “it was nothing but fruits and nuts – every fruit was a little nutty and every nut was a little fruity”