Matt Damon Eaten By a Dingo!

Actor Matt Damon was eaten by a Dingo in Australia! Damon is in Australia to film a movie about The Bee Gees. Matt will be playing all three of the Brothers Gibb, as well as Andy. Damon is doing all of his own singing for the movie. Matt is getting so into the role that he has even gone so far as to have his testicles removed. This will ensure he can hit the high notes.

A Dingo Ate Matt Damon

Unfortunately, on his first day in the Outback, Matt was attacked and eaten by a Dingo. Meanwhile The government has for years, denied that dingoes are a threat to humans. Dingo attacks on humans are rare in Australia, and when they do occur are generally on young children. Sadly for him, Damon is about the size of a 5 year old.

Damon was out for a hike in Ayers Rock, a national park in a central part of the country. Damon’s wife reported him missing when he did not return for dinner. Eventually A search party was sent out and found Damon’s jacket in front of a Dingo lair in the desert.

Apparently Damon got lost, could not get cell phone service, became disoriented and sought shelter in what was a Dingo lair. Obviously The Dingos did not appreciate the uninvited guest and ate him. “The funny part is, he was only 100 yards away from a resort” said park ranger Paul Hogan, “the Ayers Rock Hotel was just over a small hill that way. It has a nice pool and restaurant.”

After being woken up by the distant cries of her husband, Damon’s wife Luciana Bozán, went looking for him. She found Matt and wrestled him away from a dingo that had dragged into a tree. The dingo planned to save Damon to eat for lunch later.

Rectum? Nearly Killed ’em

Basically Bozan’s quick action prevented what might have been a more tragic ending. Damon was taken by helicopter to a hospital in stable condition. He suffered a fractured willy and several puncture wounds to his scrotum and rectum.

Luciana commented, “Oh well, these things happen, what can you do. I guess we will go back to the USA now. I never wanted to be in Australia anyway. Even Boston looks good compared to this sh*thole. A bunch of criminals eating Vegemite sandwiches. They have prehistoric bugs here. I told Matt he was going to get eaten by a dingo, but he wouldn’t listen. I shouldn’t have even saved his girly man ass. That would have fixed him. Then all the money would have been mine.” 

Related Stories: Jennifer Lopez Legally Changes Name to J-Loads