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Marrying Millions

Marrying Millions—or as it should be named, Open Your Legs and I’ll Open My Wallet: Dating Lives of Super Ugly Rich People —is a new reality series that runs after Married at First Sight on Lifetime. The show features six freakishly mismatched couples who are financially—and seemingly mentally—unbalanced. Both are complete weirdos but one can be called “eccentric” because they have money. The other can be called “one breakup away from stripping.” 

There are several couples including 37-year-old Katie and 23-year-old Kolton. She’s the ex-wife of baseball player Josh Hamilton. I thought plastic surgery was supposed to make you look younger, not like Bret Michaels’ older brother, but apparently, she never got that memo. She also never got the memo that you don’t bang your daughter’s best friend…unless it’s a mom/daughter teaching moment courtesy of RedTube.com. You also have the wonky eye/lisp couple who met on a sugar daddy website (“Who do I need to f*#! for a Gucci belt!”). The season ended with the guy who looks like a Monchhichi with a fivehead (Sean) marrying his money-grubbing, prenup-refusing, caterpillar-eyebrow-having baby mama. The only good-looking person on the show was a chick named Gentille. She’s got big money, big boobs, and bad taste. Her boyfriend, Brian, is known for saying dopey things through a set of Minnesotan teeth that don’t separate when he talks. After dating six months, her friends pressured her to find out more about him. So, he finally brings her home where he excitedly asks, “Do you want to see my room?” It’s not clear if he got permission from his parents (with whom he still lives) before having a girl in the house; hanging a risqué Cheryl Tiegs poster above his racecar bed; or for eating the leftover tuna casserole. 

There are a couple of other couples, but Bill and Brianna (Bri) are the most interesting. He’s a 61-year-old who looks ready for Halloween at a moment’s notice. His Melissa Etheridge wardrobe and Crypt Keeper head would certainly have me pinning my legs behind my head for him just out of my teens! What young lady doesn’t dream of a corpse in a leather blazer plowing her at a careful, heart-safe pace just before bed at 7pm? Brianna’s a 21-year old with a preteen appearance. Her droning voice and downtrodden delivery are as appealing as Harvey Weinstein opening his robe at a “business meeting.” Bri has been living with Bill in his Dallas mansion since shortly after they began dating. Seeing these two together looks like one of those YouPorn categories you “accidentally” click on because you “misplaced” your glasses. 

Bill supposedly has investments in the billions. He also has teeth that look like wood, a chest that looks like distressed leather, and too much turquoise. He’s like the clearance section at Pier 1. When Bri is nervous about moving from Dallas to Miami with Bill to escape the criticism of his society friends, she quickly warms up to the idea when she realizes she is too stupid to have an opinion.

Marrying Millions has been picked up for a second season. God help us.

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