Madonna Is New Spokesperson For Life Alert

Pop Icon Madonna has been announced as the new spokesperson for Life Alert. Our favorite Material Girl is stepping into the world of emergency response systems. Life Alert is best known for their poorly acted commercials. Each commercial would feature an elderly woman falling to the ground and dramatically reciting the catch phrase, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”.

Madonna decided to take the gig after her recent medical issues. Madge was hospitalized with a “bacterial infection” but an undisclosed source stated it may have been late stage chlamydia. The Queen of Pop passed out in her home in NYC and was stuck on the toilet for 24 hours before she was found by a housekeeper.

Madonna Spokesperson Life Alert

“It was very scary” said Madonna. “All I kept thinking was oh no, the newspaper headlines. They would all say Madonna died on the toilet like fat Elvis. I tried to get up but I could not. It was embarrassing, I was naked and covered in my own feces. If only I had a life alert or something.”

Madonna Is New Spokesperson For Life Alert

Madonna’s appearance at the Grammy’s shocked and worried many fans. She was swollen and puffy from recent plastic surgery. Fan Thom Seling commented, “She looked like the missing Bat Child that was born in a cave from Weekly World News”. A Madonna spokesperson claimed that Madonna was bit by a tick and did not have plastic surgery.

The new ad campaign will feature Madonna dancing and singing when she suddenly drops to the ground. She then reaches for her Jean Paul Gaultier designed chic, yet practical, life-alert pendant. The Material Girl then recites the iconic lines, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”.

When asked what’s up next, Madonna replied, “I am in talks now to do an ad campaign for Depends. We are developing a thong adult diaper for the sexy sexagenarian. Just because you have lost your bladder control doesn’t mean you can’t still be sexy.”