Madonna Interview

Infamous Rock journalist and internationally acclaimed interviewer Claude Balzac recently sat down for an in depth conversation with the legendary Queen of Pop, Madonna. That’s right an Interview with Madonna.

Madhouse Magazine: Hi Madge, thanks for hanging with me today. It is great to see you again.

Madonna: Hello Claude it’s utterly fabulous to see you again. The last time I saw you was in Bangkok in the 80s. You were partying with Billy Idol, Michael Jackson and Bubbles. That was an epic story. I hear you guys got so crazy that the Thai police and military had to sedate you all, tie you to gurneys and send you back to the states. You spent an entire 14 hour flight in the baggage compartment.

Madhouse: Yes that was a crazy weekend

Madonna: You think?

Madhouse: Ok enough about me lets hear what you have been up to

Madonna: I am on tour right now and I am sure you saw me fall on stage the other night and have been making fun of me

Madhouse: [laughs]

Madonna: Well go on and laugh funny boy but that fall on stage got me a new endorsement deal. You are looking at the new spokesperson for “Life Alert”. I am doing a new ad campaign where I am dancing and singing when I suddenly drop to the ground. I then reach for my Jean Paul Gaultier designed chic, yet practical, life-alert pendant. Of course I then look into the camera and recite the iconic lines, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”.

Madhouse: You had other health scares recently. How are you feeling?

Madonna: I was hospitalized with a “bacterial infection” but an undisclosed source stated it may have been late stage chlamydia. I still think you were the undisclosed source Claude. Anyway I passed out at home in NYC and was stuck on the toilet for 24 hours before my housekeeper found me. It was very scary. All I kept thinking was oh no, the newspaper headlines. They would all say Madonna died on the toilet like fat Elvis. I tried to get up but I could not. It was embarrassing, I was naked and covered in my own feces. If only I had a life alert or something.

Madhouse: I can understand your concern

Madonna: Yes but once again I came out smelling like a rose. I am in talks now to do an ad campaign for Depends. We are developing a thong adult diaper for the sexy sexagenarian. Just because you have lost your bladder control doesn’t mean you can’t still be sexy.

Madhouse: Yes absolutely, we will look forward to that. So what is the status on the Madonna Biopic?

Madonna: Glad you asked. It is in full swing and Elliot Page has been hired to play both me and Sean Penn. Speaking of Sean; Have you seen that loser lately? He is a mess, he looks like all three stooges combined. Glad I dropped him like a bad habit.

Madhouse: I couldn’t help but notice you no longer have a British accent.

Madonna: It’s the craziest thing. I was shopping for new children to ‘adopt’ when I got kicked by a mule in the head. It knocked the accent right out of me. I was stunned and stumbling around in a circle for days saying, Duh which way did he go George, which way did he go.

Madhouse: You have a famous no cell phone policy at your concerts and go to extreme lengths.

Madonna: Absolutely, I do not want any unauthorized videos or images showing up on social media. So I personally perform a full cavity search on every fan entering the arena. Some fans object but most enjoy it. It’s better than a meet and greet.

Madhouse: Well, Thank You so much and it has been great catching up with you.

Madonna: Of course Claude, you know I love you and Madhouse is the funniest rag out there. All my exes and I would sit around and laugh and laugh while reading Madhouse. One of my more freakier exes used a rolled up Magazine as a marital aid. I am not naming names but his initials are Warren Beatty.