Lizzo Quits Music Business To Concentrate on Competitive Eating

Lizzo shocked the world today by announcing she was quitting the music business to concentrate on her one true love, competitive eating. Lizzo aka Melissa Jefferson has been involved in scandal, controversy and shenanigans. Evidently this caused her to grow disillusioned with the diseased music industry. 

Lizzo posted, “I’m getting tired of putting up with being dragged by everyone in my life and on the Internet. All I want is to eat in peace and make people happy and help the world be a little better than how I found it. I am sick of being the enormous butt of the joke every single time because of how I look… my character being picked apart by people who don’t know me and disrespecting my name. I didn’t sign up for this s— — I QUIT [peace out emoji].”

Lizzo Quits Music Business

“As a little girl I would dream of being a professional eater. My mama told me I could never be a singer so I should do what I do best. Of course what I do best is eat. I dreamed of pie eating contests, wings, cannoli’s, pizza and the big show. The big show of course is the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. And I aim to win it this July 4th.”

Lizzo has hired Joey Chestnut to assist her in her quest for the title. Chestnut of course is the GOAT when it comes to competitive eating. He has won 16 Nathan’s titles and holds the record for most hot dogs ever eaten with 76. Last year he won the title despite rupturing a tendon during the event.

Chestnut plans to slowly introduce Lizzo into the world of competitive eating but feels she will be ready for Nathan’s by July 4th. “She is a natural” said Chestnut. “As a warm up I entered her into the deep fried asparagus eating championship in which she won by eating 6.3 pounds of asparagus in 11.5 minutes.”

“Next on the circuit will be the Grilled Cheese contest at the Arizona State Fair. Then it’s off to the Waffle House Invitational and finally The Johnsonville World Bratwurst Eating Championship in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Lizzo is the most pur natural eater I have ever seen. She polished off 50 hot dogs on the plane with no problem. Man I love the smell of a Sausage   burp in the morning.”

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