KISS Final Interview w Ace Peter Paul & Gene

A few years back, Madhouse Magazine volunteered to mediate and document an historic peace summit with all 4 original members of the band KISS. It did not go that well, so on the 50th anniversary of the band we are having a brand new discussion. Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Peter Criss and Ace Frehley met at an undisclosed location in New York City with our chief negotiator Claude Kissinger. Claude is the son of former Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger, and has a PHD in Psychotherapy.

Madhouse: Thank you gentlemen for sitting down with us.

Gene Simmons: I would have never agreed to this unless it was Madhouse Magazine. I love you guys even though you make fun of me a lot. I used to read Madhouse in the hot tub with 5 naked groupies. I really loved that article when you said Ace Frehley would clean your toilet for money. That was hilarious.

Ace Frehley: Shut up Gene, that was not nearly as funny as the time Madhouse reported that you charged fans $50 to smell your fingers.

Gene Simmons: Here you can smell them right now for $20

[*At this point Gene jammed his fingers into Ace’s face and Ace promptly bit them. A full blown out fist fight broke out, tables were knocked over and security was called to restore order.]

Madhouse: Ok Boys, that was not a great start. I hope we have all calmed down and will control ourselves going forward. We will not get anywhere like this.

Ace Frehley: Well I for one, have a lot of unresolved emotions. I am sure you know that Gene & Paul once jumped me on my walk home at around 2 a.m. in Chicago. They punched me, subjected me to racist and homophobic insults, threw an “unknown chemical substance” on me and put a noose around my neck before fleeing.

Madhouse: Is that true Gene & Paul?

Paul Stanley: Yes, sorry Ace, but it was all Peter’s idea.

Peter Criss: GTFOH Paul, I will slap you silly you half a sissy. I had nothing to do with that. Stop lying.

Madhouse: Boys, let’s use our words, No fighting. You guys used to be such good friends. What happened?

Gene Simmons: It all started for me in 1975, while on tour in Bavaria, the band stopped into an old church. While visiting the church, Ace was “hopped up on goofballs” and chased me around the rectory and grabbed me by the organ! It was traumatizing. He was like a mad man, it terrified me. Years of therapy helped me cope.

Ace Frehley: BS, that never happened Gene. But you used to wet the bed, you smell like wide open butt and you groped my wife.

Gene Simmons: See that is why we threw you out of the band, besides you and Peter are drunken wrecks and suck on your instruments.

Peter: Oh yeah then why did you ask us back on the last tour?

Gene Simmons: Ha that was just a trick to harvest your organs. I was going to kill you and sell your organs to Chinese businessmen.

Madhouse: Gene, that is not helpful. Let’s talk about the band. Can we all agree that KISS sucks without all 4 original members, “Love Gun” was your last great album, “I Was Made For Loving You” is the worst song ever recorded and the replacement band members are an embarrassment?

Peter & Ace: [in unison] Amen, we definitely agree with that

Gene: Yeah I guess that’s all true. I was raking in so much money, I never thought about it.

Paul: Yeah Gene you big jerk.

Madhouse: Paul you recently posted some of your artwork that was titled “I Hate Peter & Ace”

Paul: Yes I can see how that can be taken the wrong way and could be considered hurtful. I meant it in a good way but I now see how some dit witted people could misunderstand.

Ace: Yeah well I got a little surprise for you. You will get it within the next few days. I will be in the front row.

Madhouse: So it’s been 50 years and now this thing called Kiss is over as we know it. What is next?

Gene: Well, Kiss will never die. We have plans to do AI stuff, holograms and hiring hot chicks to wear Kiss makeup and lip synch to the songs. There will be a Kiss cabaret show in Branson and Vegas as well as a traveling Kiss puppet show for kids. The possibilities for making money are endless. The one thing I know for sure is that Paul and I will not share any of it with Ace and Peter.

Paul: We did offer Peter and Ace jobs as our butlers, cleaning our houses, walking our dogs but they declined.

Gene: I offered them a job as my personal assistant. They would have to bathe me and scrub my undercarriage but once again they were too good for the job.

Ace: I just want to say thank you Madhouse Magazine, you guys are the best. I believe I speak for Peter and myself when I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Kiss has been around for 50 years but only like 5 years were enjoyable. Also I would like to compliment Gene and Paul on their life like wigs and the girdles they wear make them look very slim. [*Peter and Ace burst into laughter at this point]

Madhouse: Ok men – thank you for the music and I guess we will end it on that note and you guys can go your separate ways.