Kirk Hammett Named New Pantene Model

By Claudia Stavola …

Pantene is known for showcasing beautiful models with luxurious hair including Gisele Bundchen, Selena Gomez, and Priyanka Chopra. But equal rights aren’t a one-way street and Pantene decided they wanted to infuse some hair band into their hair brand.

The legendary shampoo company, also were pressured—by the activist group We’re Running out of Things to be Angry About So Let’s Just Make Some Shit Up—to get a model with some dickory dock. “We need a model with some balls” said company spokesperson Jason Karns. “If we can’t do that then get Kirk Hammett.”

Pantene’s marketing manager, Frumunda Scheez revealed to Madhouse how they decided on Metallica’s legendary guitarist. “I asked my gay nephew which famous dudes have sexy long hair. He told me he’d like to run his protein-infused mousse through Hammett’s locks, so I picked him.” Not only will he be featured in the famous TV and print ads, but Scheez revealed he’ll be on a nationwide tour representing the brand.

Kirk Hammett is the New Pantene Model

Other artists considered were: Art Garfunkel, Ozzy, Zakk Wylde, Elton John, The guy from Flock of Seagulls, Robert Smith and Michael Bolton. When reached for comment, Ozzy replied, “I wouldn’t wash my pubes with Pantene. I do bathe the dogs in it though”.

We spoke with Hammett who told us he’s excited to perform at Supercuts across the country. He also exclusively revealed to Madhouse he’s commissioned a new version of an old classic from Kenny Rogers and The First Edition. He gave us a little sample via Zoom and began singing, “Curls so tight they wouldn’t unwind. But Pantene made my curls fine. I just dropped in to see what condition my conditioner was in.”