Khloe Kardashians Butt Deflates

Author: Claudia Stavola

Macy’s Day Parade balloon designers were flown in to rebuild Khloé Kardashian’s ass after being deflated during Kanye West’s recent Sunday Service atop Mount Elbert in Colorado. West started doing his mobile sermons earlier this year as a way to spread God’s word…that Kanye is off his meds…and his rocker.

Thousands of people were in attendance, as well as all of the Kardashians including deceased patriarch Robert Kardashian (dressed in Yeezy desert boots, gaudy jewelry, and track pants)—but at the high altitude, several people started experiencing dizziness, nausea, and fainting. Because this is how people normally respond to West’s undecipherable ramblings, it wasn’t immediately apparent that there was an actual emergency in progress. As more people gasped for air, a quick-thinking disciple took out a knife and began to puncture holes in Khloé’s backside so people could start sucking air from it to breathe. One attendee, Yawana Johnson, said she was awestruck when children started beating the outlandish derrière with sticks hoping candy would fall out. No candy fell out, but Lamar Odom’s career did.

After emergency personnel arrived, the Macy’s Day Parade balloon designers scrambled to reconstruct “dat ass.” To replicate the pillowcase-filled-with-quarters/loaded-diaper look that Khloé and her older sister, Kim, are famous for, designers went to a landfill and gathered 212 pounds of used Pampers that they melded onto her backend after injecting it with Fix-A-Flat and Kylie’s Lip Kit.

Kanye’s parting words to his fans were, “Bajfoawerijaolnv;akdsgnaosjgaoiery msdasaweoai;vaispouvjfalk;sgjdd;lajk,” to which fans responded, “And also with you Yeezus.”