Keith Richards Wins Tour de France
PARIS — In a stunning performance for the ages, Tour de France rookie, Keith Richards, won cycling’s showpiece race Sunday. The 76 year old guitarist, became the second-oldest winner of the 117-year-old event.
The race was clouded by controversy, as original winner, Tadej Pogacar, was disqualified after cycling authorities raided his hotel room and found illegal substances. Authorities found ‘Funyons’ and ‘Pop Rocks’ in Pogacar’s room, which are both banned by the Union Cycliste Internationale which governs the Tour de France.
Scandal
A preliminary inquiry over suspicions of doping was subsequently opened by the public health department in Marseille. “Funyons” are an onion-flavored corn snack introduced in the United States in 1969, and invented by Frito-Lay employee George Bigner. Pop Rocks are candy with gas bubbles embedded inside that create a small popping reaction when it dissolves in one’s mouth. When these 2 innocuous snacks are ingested together, they create superhuman strength. In 1978, Mikey from the “Life” cereal commercials died from ingesting the deadly combination of “Funyons” & “Pop Rocks”.
In light of these charges, the medal was stripped from Pogacar as officials slapped his face. The win was then given to second place cyclist, Keith Richards, who finished 1/2 of a second behind Pogacar.
Officials admonished Pogacar. “Young people today, they could learn a thing or two on clean living from upstanding athletes like Keith Richards. He is a role model and should be looked up to. He gives racing a good name.”
The Tour de France is a cycling marathon that covers all five of France’s mountain ranges. It is 3,482 punishing kilometers (2,164 miles). Richards was on Pogacar’s tail the entire time.
By conquering the Tour on his first attempt, Richards joined an elite club of rookie winners. This club includes, among others, the great Eddy Merckx, who ended up winning five. Richards unseated Claude Balzac as the oldest champion, who was 92 when he was crowned in 1904.
