Keith Richards Ultimate Interview 2022

Infamous Rock journalist and internationally acclaimed interviewer Claude Balzac recently sat down for an in depth conversation with the legend and King of Cool, Keith Richards.

Madhouse Magazine: Hi Keef, Good to see you again. Thanks for chatting with me today.

Keith Richards: My man Claude. You know I love Madhouse Magazine. The Greatest Rock n Roll Comedy Magazine in the World! I have been reading you for years. Back in the day I used to roll your magazine up to snort me drugs. I also used to read it to my children as bedtime stories. Marlon would laugh so hard until milk came out of his nose.

Madhouse: How are you feeling? You seem to have an incredible make up. Some say a supernatural constitution. What is your secret?

Keith: I feel great. When I was a junkie I used to be able to play tennis with Mick, go to the toilet for a fix, and still beat him. I once went Nine days without a wink of sleep. I fell asleep standing up, eventually … I was standing at the urinal, having a piss, and fell asleep. I woke up 12 hours later with my head in the toilet. I’m glad to be here, I’m glad to be anywhere. I just attended the funeral for a doctor that gave me 6 months to live way back in 1978. I guess I got the last laugh on that one.

Madhouse: Alcohol and Tobacco stocks took a nose dive when you quit smoking and drinking.

Keith: I smoked 19 packs of cigarettes a day for 60 years. I was the main source of revenue for Phillip Morris. Jack Daniels stock also plummeted since I was good for 1000 cases of Jack Daniels per quarter. I am ripped now though. I hit the gym – hard dude. I lift bro! I spend 3 hours a day at the gym and I do lots of reps and sets. Friday is arms day and thats my favorite. I am getting huge bro.

Madhouse: I want to go back to the old days. Can you clear up what really happened concerning the infamous Redlands, Mars bar incident?

1967

Keith: It was 1967 and I just bought “Redlands”. Me, Mick, and Marianne Faithfull were all tripping and the cops bust us. A rumor immediately spread that the police had interrupted an orgy in which Jagger had been eating a Mars candy bar out of Marianne’s lady parts. That is a lie. It was a snickers bar, and it was in her bum.

Madhouse: There was a shocking incident during the 1965 tour. You almost died?

Keith: Charlie pulled a prank on me and rewired my guitar so that when I touched it, I would get a shock. Well, he had no idea what he was doing and my guitar touched the microphone stand and I was electrocuted. I was thrown 10 feet in the air and I was out. The only thing that saved me was I had very thick soles on my buster brown shoes. That Charlie was a prankster. I miss him.

Keith Richards circa 1975 Illustration By Paul King Art

Madhouse: Pranks have always played a big part of your life.

Keith: Yes I loved playing pranks on my brother Claude. My funniest prank was when I told Claude to hand a note to the bank teller. To Claude’s surprise, the note told the teller to hand over all the money, that it was a bank robbery. Claude spent 7 years in penitentiary for that one. We had a good laugh over that.

Mick Taylor

Madhouse: It is rumored that Mick Taylor left the band due to your pranks?

Keith: I used to prank him all the time. Fart in my hand and hold it over his mouth and nose. He did not have a good sense of humor. The final straw came when I gave him an Atomic Wedgie! The waist band of his underpants went right over his head. Taylor could not sit down for a week after that. Taylor needed to wear a truss for 6 weeks and almost lost a testicle. Fortunately doctors were able to save it. His taint looked like he was attacked by a rabid wolverine.

Madhouse: Altamont?

Keith: That was all Jerry Garcia’s fault. As a joke, Jerry says to Mick that we should hire the Hells Angels to act as security. Mick takes him seriously and hires them. I ask Mick if he is sure that is a good idea. He tells me, what is the worst that can happen. Well, I love shepherd’s pie as you know. Jefferson Airplane singer Marty Balin helped himself to a slice of pie meant for me. I told him I would kill him, man. That I would get five hundred buddies of mine to come down and put their boot in too. If someone tries to do my pie, and I don’t want it to be done, it’s on. I might even call in Bill Wyman to come in and do him over for me, with one of his vicious ankle-twisters or Chinese burns. I had the Hells Angels punch Balin in the face and he learned not to mess with my pie. Then all hell broke loose after that.

Keith Richards circa 1969 Illustration By Paul King Art

Madhouse: There was an incident with Truman Capote on the 1972 tour?

Keith: Yeah, this old fruit was following us around on tour to write about us or something and he had the nerve to complain about the noise. So one night, it was right after the Godfather came out. Me and Bobby Keys went and got a real horses head and put it in Truman’s bead. He woke up screaming just like in the movie. He was crying, and we were laughing hysterically. Good times.

Madhouse: The stories about the 1973 Tour are legendary Can you tell us about it?

Keith; During our Australian tour in 1973, I met a single mom with a pharmaceutical cocaine connection. So, naturally, I moved in with her. Within four or five days, I was like a right Australian old man. Sheila, where’s my fooking Breakfast? … It was like I’d been there forever. And it felt great. I even took care of the baby when Mom was at work. There’s somebody in a suburb in Melbourne who doesn’t even know I wiped his ass. (*It is rumored that the baby grew up to be Hugh Jackman!)

1975

Madhouse: What about the 1975 Tour?

Keith: Once again it was a good time for pharmaceutical cocaine. The 1975 tour was sponsored by Merck. We had cocaine hidden in amps, speakers, guitar cases, microphones, harmonicas, maracas, Charlie’s bass drum. You name it, it was everywhere on the stage so that we could have lines between songs. One song, one bump was the rule between Ronnie and me. Woody also had a supply of heroin that was cut into lines and sprinkled on him from the rafters. Our drug dealer, Skip, had a wooden leg and we stored all the drugs in his hollowed out leg. Things went fairly smoothly until we were arrested in Arkansas. We called in some favors, paid a $162 bail and were soon back on the road. I never had a problem with drugs, I had a problem with the police.

Madhouse: What happened in Fiji?

Keith: I climbed up the tree to get Ronnie some coconuts. The guy is crazy for coconuts. He loves Rum and Coconut drinks. So i scaled the tree and then started showing off and doing gymnastic routines. I fell while doing my signature triple lindy dismount. 9 coconuts fell out of the tree right on my noggin. It was like a Bugs Bunny cartoon or a 3 Stooges episode. The coconuts kept falling and making that loud cartoon sound. When it was done, little birds were flying around my head.

Madhouse: God Bless You Keith, you are an International treasure. May you live another 70 years.

Keith: Yeah I outlived them all, Michael Jackson, The Queen, Betty White you name them. I bet you didn’t see that coming. Love You Madhouse, keep making me laugh.