Keith Richards Thwarts Carjacking: Subdues Assailants For Police

Legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards recently demonstrated that not even mortal threats can stop him. Richards, known for his rock ‘n’ roll resilience, successfully thwarted a carjacking and subdued three would-be assailants, leaving us all wondering if there’s anything this man can’t do (besides aging).

Keith and the Stones had just given a press conference to announce the release of a new album. The band will release “Hackney Diamonds” on October 20th. Keith, Mick and Ronnie sat down for a live conversation with a late night talk show host to discuss the release of their 24th album, the rock ‘n’ roll band’s first in 18 years.

Keith Richards Thwarts Carjacking

Following the press conference, Richards was being driven in a limo when two men on bicycles approached at a red light. The men requested autographs and Keith happily obliged. At the following light three men grabbed the limo driver out of the car and began hitting him with sticks. Keith sprung into action and leaped out of the car. Richards delivered a perfect flying roundhouse kick to the assailants heads knocking all three to the ground.

As the criminals lay on the ground dazed, Richards unleashed a series of well aimed kicks to the crooks groins. As the robbers stumbled to their feet, Keith banged all three of their heads together. At this point one of the thieves hopped into the limo as Keith attended to the limo driver. As the man attempted to speed away, Keith jumped onto the hood of the car and stared the man down through the windshield.

Keith Richards Thwarts Carjacking: Subdues Assailants For Police

Richards punched his way into the limo through the sun roof. He then rained down a flurry of blows to the drivers head and shoulders. He knocked the driver unconscious and steered the car to safety. At this point Keith dragged the man back to the original scene of the crime. He threw the crook over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes and marched back down the block.

When Keith arrived he threw the unconscious crook on top of the others. He then got the three men in a triple head lock and held them until police arrived. A witness, Morris Eiden told reporters, “It was like a scene out of an action movie. Keith is incredible, he is a real life superman, Rambo and James Bond rolled all in one.”

The police officers on the scene couldn’t help but ask for autographs and selfies, proving that even law enforcement officers are not immune to the charm of a rock ‘n’ roll legend. Keith commented, “These boys really ought to consider a career change. I’ve faced worse threats from groupies. My granny hit harder than these wankers.”