Keith Richards Reveals He’s Been Imbibing in Disinfectant for Years

(*By Claudia Stavola)

Keith Richards is known for badass guitar licks and an inability to be killed by anything.

According to a source named Habib Chualliar, Mr. Richards has been doing this for years. Habib claims that while watching the news with Richards, he scoffed at the suggestion by President Trump that ingesting bleach or disinfectant might be the answer to combatting active coronavirus. “What a tosser! I could’ve told ‘em that. I’ve been mixing Scrubbing Bubbles with my heroin for years! I love seeing those cute little buggers float out of my arse when I’m curling one off.”

There might be something to that since Richards hasn’t had so much as a cold since his pre-boozing days.

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The source agrees that this is what’s kept Richards alive all these years despite dangerous addictions. “I saw him make a Harvey Wallbanger once with Pine-Sol. It smelled like my Nanna’s kitchen during spring cleaning but he just guzzled it like a glass of water.”

Chualliar cautioned that it’s important to stick with brand names. “Once Keith bought the off-brand disinfectant, Spine-Sol, from the Dollar Store and he was paralyzed for a week. Nobody noticed though because he’s been in the same position since 1972. He added that Richards told him he always gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, and his last x-ray showed his skeleton is really just a giant pint glass.