Keith Richards Declared a Saint Before Huge Crowds in Vatican

Vatican City – Keith Richards, a Rolling Stone who devoted his life to being awesome, has been declared a saint in a canonization Mass held by Pope Francis in the Vatican.

Pope Francis delivered the formula for the canonization of the British born rock star — known as the “saint of the gutters” — before huge crowds of pilgrims gathered in St. Peter’s Square in Vatican City on Sunday morning.

Applause broke out before he completed the formula of canonization, in which he declared “Blessed Keith of Dartford, to be a saint.” Speaking in Latin, Francis said that “after due deliberation and frequent prayer for divine assistance, and having sought the counsel of many of our brother bishops, we declare and define Blessed Keith Richards of Rolling Stones to be a saint, and we enroll him among the saints, decreeing that he is to be venerated as such by the whole church.”  

Richards is the first saint canonized while still alive. “I know it is unusual” said Pope Francis, but have you heard his riffs!? ‘Satisfaction’ alone would make him worthy of sainthood, but then he wrote like a thousand more amazing riffs! ‘Cant You Hear Me Knocking’, ‘Monkey Man’, ‘Stray Cat Blues’, ‘Start Me Up’, ‘Sympathy for the Devil’, ‘Gimme Shelter’ and hundreds more! If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is!” 

A second miracle attributed to Richards, is the fact that he has taken more drugs than any other mortal human being, and lived to tell about it. Many others have succumbed after taking a tenth of the drugs and drink that Richards has consumed. “It’s a Miracle he’s still alive” said Pope Francis. “We want him on our side, before the devil gets him!”

“It’s a great honor” said Richards. “I’m not sure I am even Catholic, but it’s still a great honor. Thank You very much.”