JWoww’s Ex Says He Divorced Her Because She Has a Penis

-By Claudia Stavola

Jersey Shore star Jenni “JWoww” Farley’s ex-husband Roger Mathews claims he divorced her because he realized she has a cock-a-doodle-doo where her beaver dam should be.

When speaking to New Jersey reporter, Nikki Skankovich he said, “I got nothin’ against gay dudes but I’m not gay. I married Jenni because I thought she was a strong woman. But as time went on, I suspected she had a penis.” Avid viewers of the show probably noticed that she walks like she’s got swollen balls between her legs; a point Skankovich also pointed out in her interview with Mathews. “As the person closest to her, how could you have missed this? She walks like she’s hung with Jon Hamm’s ham.”

“Both of us were in drunken stupors most of the time. That’s how we met. I guess that also explains why I thought dressing in head-to-toe Affliction clothing was a good choice.” Mathews makes a valid point. Much like citronella is a deterrent to mosquitoes, Affliction is a deterrent to classy women who aren’t ready to smash bottles at an inadvertent eye roll. Mathews acknowledged that he knows he could never canoodle with the likes of an Eva Mendes or Charlize Theron, but he didn’t expect that his always-ready-to-brawl bride was fueled by testosterone rather than low self-esteem and unresolved daddy issues like most unstable women.

He said he looks back now and realizes there were plenty of indicators that she had a baloney pony, like the time she whacked him in the face with it. “Thank God it was right before Halloween. I had two black eyes so I went as Zorro to take the kids trick or treating. It wasn’t until I slowed down on the partying that I realized what I was dealing with.” Skankovich asked Mathews, “If you think she has a penis, how do you explain her giving birth?” He said that he assumed she gave birth like the other Jersey Shore girls…out of her ass.