Joni Mitchell: I Fart on My Dog to Show Dominance!

Singer and icon, Joni Mitchell, has admitted that she farts on her dogs to show dominance.

“Dogs are pack animals, and they need to know who the Alpha is. I discovered the best way to distinguish the leader of the pack is to fart on the dog. Humans and dogs are quite similar. Farting is the universal language. I used this on all my boyfriends and record company weasels. It was the only thing that shut David Crosby up.”

“My brother used to find it amusing to share his bodily emissions with everyone, including my dog. Over time I found that the dogs took this as a show of dominance and would back down. The smellier the gas, the more the dog would submit.”

Joni Mitchell: I Fart on My Dog to Show Dominance!

“In my 20’s I had a little Corgi/Red Cattledog mix, Sandy, who would not listen at all. I let one rip in her face, and as the disgusting rotten-egg smell hit her, she put her ears back, tail between her legs and rolled over. Just like that, she was trained. Friends started calling me the gas whisperer.”

“Once I was visiting The White House and The Clinton’s dog Buddy, performed shall we say, Inappropriate mounting on me. I tooted right in his face and Buddy rolled right over. It works on all dogs. And believe it or not on husbands too. Hillary started using it on Bill.”

Who’s The Boss

“We now have a new rescue dog, Pinky. He has a more lean and athletic build and, to quote an old 1960’s song, “he’s kinda big and he’s awful strong”. He’s a sweetheart but knows how to stand up for himself! One whiff of the gas and he knows who’s the boss now.”