John Mayer Anal Bleaching Tragedy

John Mayer is so committed to skin care, grooming and man-scaping, that he couldn’t sit down for three days due to a burning rash from an allergic reaction to the hydrogen peroxide used to bleach his butt hole. 

Mayer, 40, gives beauty vlogging tips on his instagram and Snapchat accounts, titled “Beauty Secrets with John”. Mayer heard that all-over hairlessness is a popular trend in the gay community, so he thought he’d bleach all his hair so it looked invisible. “Shortly after having the procedure done, I felt a burning sensation and it grew steadily worse” said Mayer “It was so severe around my bunghole that I couldn’t sit down for three days. “I had to make an emergency appointment with the doctors, who gave me some medication to counter the irritation.”

Mayer figures he has learned his lesson, and next time will try alternative methods. “I guess I will try shaving” said Mayer, “But I like to be smooth, like a young Swedish boy dancing across the countryside. I like a nice white anus when I present myself to the world. If it’s brown, flush it down.”  

Mayer known for sappy insipid songs such as “Daughters” and “Wonderland” admits that he knows what it’s like to be a woman, and he can insert a tampon. Liberal fans are now boycotting Mayer calling him racist. “What’s wrong with having an anus of color” said liberal activist and huge John Mayer fan David Roy Wiltse

Friends and family of Mayer found this whole incident very funny. Jennifer Aniston tweeted that she is developing a 1 woman show on Broadway based on this event. Taylor Swift immediately wrote a song about the tragedy which is currently #1 on the billboard charts.