James Hetfield Interview From Rehab
Madhouse Magazine was given exclusive access to interview James Hetfield in rehab.
Madhouse Magazine: James you look great. How are you doing?
James Hetfield: I feel great man. I love rehab! That’s why I keep coming. This has been my fifteenth visit, but hopefully my last.
Madhouse: So what have you been doing in here?
Hetfield: Well of course a lot of masturbating. But I have also been writing a list of grievances. Jotting down who wronged me over the years and how I am going to get them back.
Madhouse: Well that sounds healthy. Glad you are doing well. When are you getting out?
Hetfield: [laughs] I don’t know. It’s probably going to be a lot longer now after the rehab reads this interview.
Madhouse: So What about Metallica?
Hetfield: Oh yeah those guys. Well I have written like 50 songs in here and they are all killer. I am thinking I will get out of here soon and we will record a new album and start touring.
Madhouse: So did you hear the rumors that Adam Lambert was going to replace you in Metallica?
Hetfield: [laughs] Yes I heard that. That was that ‘sonofabitch’ Lars. He was really going to do it but I got word to him that if he followed through on it, that I would break out of rehab, track him down and pull his lungs out through his sphincter. That put an end to that.
Madhouse: So on a serious note, have you thought about what underlying issues cause you to drink?
Hetfield: Yes! There are a lot of reasons. #1 is Lars! He is really such a douche and causes me tons of headaches and grief. #2 is The ‘Load’ and ‘ReLoad’ albums. I can’t believe we put out that crap. #3 is I hate people.
Madhouse: So you guys have always been known as a drinking band. In the 80’s you were called ‘Alcohollica’. Who came up with that?
Hetfield: Well it was Bret Michaels from ‘Poison’ that came up with it. One night on Sunset Strip we were drunk and hitting on ‘Poison’ aggressively. We thought they were chicks. Cheap Hollywood Hookers. We couldn’t understand that they were really dudes. They got really offended. And I think Lars actually penetrated Bret and he took that very personally. Bret was compromised and went around calling us ‘Alcohollica’ after that.
Madhouse: It was great talking with you and I am sure the entire world is happy that you are doing well. Do you have any words for your fans?
Hetfield: Yes. I just want everyone to know…I’m just a regular guy. I put on my leopard thong 1 leg at a time. I change my own oil, I clean my own toilet and I sometimes suffer from acid stomach. I look like the Lion from Wizard of Oz and Axl Rose is a douche. Happy New Year and I will see you all in 2020!
