Iron Maiden Mascot "Eddie" Weds Ann Coulter

Iron Maiden beloved mascot Eddie wed best-selling author, Ann Coulter this weekend at an undisclosed dungeon in front of no one. No one could determine which one was actually Eddie and which one was Ann. The resemblance between the two is quite remarkable.

That’s right, at two minutes to midnight, this unlikely pair tied the noose! Friends are shocked that Eddie has finally decided to settle down and Ann’s friends are mortified that she married a foreigner. The couple is also making a reality show based on their relationship called, “The Courtship of Eddie’s Bride”.

Ann Coulter Loves Iron Maiden

A source revealed that the band believes this marriage is a “Real Dead One” and they don’t have enough in common to make it work. Drummer Nicko McBRain said, “I mean, one of them is British and the other is American and one of them is a skeletal being who loves to fuck with people and the other one… is Eddie!”

Iron Maiden Mascot "Eddie" Weds Ann Coulter

Their first date was almost a hundred years ago and consisted of candles, rituals, and a hasty hand job that involved a lot of complaining. That’s when Eddie knew she was the one. When Eddie proposed, she first said no and tried to resist his charms. Then he reminded her “Resistance is Futile,” and she finally came around.

A source close to Ann thinks that she finally found her prince, of darkness. And he’s the only man who doesn’t mind that she never shuts up because lucky for her Eddie doesn’t speak.

They may differ on politics and music but the real reason why this marriage will never work is that one of them is an evil zombie and the other- is the mascot for one of the greatest Heavy Metal bands ever.

(*By Courtney Cronin Dold)