Interview With Madonna’s Vagina ‘Vadge’

By Claudia Stavola

We all know the singer fans affectionately refer to as ‘Madge’. Madonna has been on the scene for over 30 years and yet she’s managed to keep her private life private while sometimes making her privates public. But that’s about to change because ‘Vadge’ (her vagina) is about to release a no-holes-barred (that’s not a typo) tell-all about the singer that will make her hair curl. Do loose lips sink ships, or do they just get shoved into outdated sequined bodysuits and sweat in front of arenas full of men who love feathers? Madhouse has the scoop here!

Madhouse: Why did you decide to expose yourself now and risk your relationship with Madge?

Vadge: Because I’m burning up. I’ve been itching to tell my story. Also, I’ve been through a lot and nobody’s ever heard what I have to say. I’m sick of people telling me to stay tight-lipped. Sixty-one years is a long time to expect anybody to be as tight as they were in their 30s. 

Madhouse: You’ve opened your heart to many different types of men over the years. What was it like for you?

Vadge: For starters, imagine abusive (allegedly) boozer (allegedly) heartthrob (allegedly) Sean Penn gobbling you up like you’re a meat pie made of whiskey. It was like he’d never eaten Italian before. I got two fat lips from his “foreplay.” I was so embarrassed, I kept telling people it wasn’t what it looked like and I had just “fallen down the stairs.” I thought those were my darkest encounters but then came Dennis Rodman. Things really started to stink during that period. 

Madhouse: What do you mean? Was it a bad relationship?

Vadge: No, I just mean he rarely showered. Boy, did he stink. But yeah, I guess it was a weird relationship too. Being with him was no holiday and I was in constant pain. It was like trying to shove a baseball bat into a stale donut. 

Madhouse: Wow! That first encounter must’ve been quite the Shanghai surprise! But I see you look uncomfortable so let’s switch gears. What is your biggest worry with the release of this book?

Vadge: Well, with all the hubbub about the book, I feel like I’m being pulled in a million directions. Everybody wants to sit down with me and really get inside me. My main concern is being spread too thin. I’m used to being spread widely, not thinly. But I’m also terrified that Madonna will never forgive me. I think she may have an idea of what’s going on because it seems like she’s already punishing me for something. She’s making me bang some kid she adopted named Ahlamalik Williams. 

Madhouse: I feel like I should be calling the authorities. Isn’t that illegal?

Vadge: Don’t worry. He only seems like a virgin, but he’s actually 25. I don’t have much say. I have to open my heart to whomever she sees fit (even the ones like Dennis who don’t fit)

Madhouse: What’s it been like living between those famous thighs all these years?

Vadge: Actually, it’s always been a picnic. What I mean by that is people have been eating here for decades and some have even gotten nauseous accompanied by liquid diarrhea. Let’s just say it hasn’t always been easy living in her shadow. There were some really hairy years back in the ‘70s. Talk about feeling smothered! I never knew if we were coming…or going back in those days.   

Madhouse: How do you think most of her fans will receive this book?

Vadge: (Vadge looks pensive). Hmm, I don’t know.The mail, I guess.   

Madhouse: (interviewer chuckles) Well, of course. But I mean, do you think they will be upset and perceive you as turning on Madge?  

Vadge: Look, I’d be worried if I were Beyonce’s vagina because her fans are psycho. But most of Madonna’s fans are elderly drag queens who are more worried about how to still rock stilettos with osteoporosis than defending their idol. Sure, some will probably feel very disgusted and appalled at my candidness—and my candida—but they love gossip as much as anybody else. And gossip sells books. I just hope I live to tell the entire story.

Claudia Stavola

Claudia is a talented Comedian & Writer. Catch her on Monsters of Rock Radio, Weekdays 5-9AM Pacific / 8AM-12PM Eastern

Madonna By MTV International Licensed Under CC By 3.0