Interview with Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

Madhouse Magazine obtained the exclusive rights to the first ever interview with Johnny Depp and Amber Heard post trial. The trial had the world on the edge of their seats daily, wondering what shocking testimony will be delivered. 

We volunteered to mediate and document an historic peace summit with the controversial couple. Madhouse editor Claude Balzac, Depp and Heard met at an undisclosed location with our chief negotiator Timmy Kissinger. Timmy is the son of former Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger, and has a PHD in Psychotherapy.

Hannibal

For his safety, Depp insisted that Amber Heard be restrained and strapped to a gurney ala Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. She must also wear a diaper at all times. Heard agreed. 

Trial

Madhouse Magazine: I bet you guys are relieved the trial is over?

Johnny Depp: Yes it was exhausting. I feel the jury gave me my life back.

Amber Heard: Some life you drunken piece of shit.

Johnny Depp: Ah shut your pie hole you hoebag skank.

Madhouse Magazine: Now Amber, you said you would be civil. 

Amber Heard: Yeah I am not shitting on your desk right now am I?

Madhouse Magazine: Well that is true, so I guess we should be thankful for that. 

Madhouse: The jury awarded Johnny $15 million. How do you feel about that?

Johnny Depp: I feel great about that.

Amber Heard: Me, not so much, I’m sad I lost this case. But I am sadder still that I seem to have lost a right I thought I had as an American — to lie and slander people freely and openly without fear of consequence.

Johnny Depp: Blah, Blah Blah, now pay me my money.

Lie Detector

Madhouse: We are now going to hook you both up to lie detectors and review some of the testimony from the trial. 

Depp: Sure, that is fine by me. 

Heard: Yeah try it and I will chew your lips right off your face. Try me. Come on, I dare you to come close to me and hook me up. Bring it. 

Poop Scoop

Madhouse: Ok maybe we will revisit that later. Let’s talk about the poop on the bed. Everyone wants to know the scoop on that.

Depp: Well as I stated, after a big fight, there was a load on the bed. It looked as if the circus was in town. It had to weigh 7 pounds. There was no way that our 2 tiny dogs could produce something like that. Amber was a bitch in the boardroom, a bore in the bedroom and a bear on the toilet. She broke many a toilet in her day. I know her feces anyway.

Heard: I STG, If I could get out of these restraints I would be chewing your testicles like bubble gum right now. 

Depp: Well what I didn’t state was that Amber also smeared the feces and wrote, ‘Helter Skelter’ on the wall. What kind of sicko does that? 

Caligula

Madhouse: So there were a lot of accusations of abuse from both sides. Bottles, Bestiality, S&M, and drugs. It sounded like Caligula in that house. A den of inequity, a house of horrors if you will. A recent poll showed this was the worst relationship of all time. Most people think you are both degenerates and should never be allowed to procreate.

Depp: Well I guess I can’t argue with that.

Heard: Yes that is something that we can both agree on.

Madhouse: Is there any chance you two can agree to disagree and hug it out?

Depp: I guess that would be ok. I will let bygones be bygones.

Heard: Yes let me out of these restraints and we can shake and make up.

[At this point Amber is released from her shackles and the two of them hug and embrace. Tears are flowing as they start dry humping each other. We are forced to throw a pail of cold water on them.]

Madhouse: Well that was very nice, now let’s move on with our lives.

Heard: Yes thank you. 

Depp: Yes, Now pay me my money.

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