Interview with All 4 Original KISS Members
Madhouse Magazine volunteered to mediate and document an historic peace summit with all 4 original members of the band KISS. Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Peter Criss and Ace Frehley met at an undisclosed location with our chief negotiator Claude Kissinger. Claude is the son of former Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger, and has a PHD in Psychotherapy.
Madhouse: Thank you gentlemen for sitting down with us. Hopefully we can reach some sort of agreement or meeting of the minds.
Gene Simmons: I would have never agreed to this unless it was Madhouse Magazine. I love you guys even though you make fun of me a lot. I used to read Madhouse in the hot tub with 5 naked groupies. I really loved that article when you said Ace Frehley would clean your toilet for money. That was hilarious.
Ace Frehley: Shut up Gene, that was not nearly as funny as the time Madhouse reported that you charged fans $50 to smell your fingers.
Gene Simmons: Here you can smell them right now for $20
[*At this point Gene jammed his fingers into Ace’s face and Ace promptly bit them. A full blown out fist fight broke out, tables were knocked over and security was called to restore order.]
Madhouse: Ok Boys, that was not a great start. I hope we have all calmed down and will control ourselves going forward. We will not get anywhere like this.
Ace Frehley: Well I for one, have a lot of unresolved emotions. I am sure you know that last year Gene & Paul jumped me on my walk home at around 2 a.m. in Chicago. They punched me, subjected me to racist and homophobic insults, threw an “unknown chemical substance” on me and put a noose around my neck before fleeing.
Madhouse: Is that true Gene & Paul?
Paul Stanley: Yes, sorry Ace, but it was all Peter’s idea.
Peter Criss: GTFOH Paul, I will slap you silly you half a sissy. I had nothing to do with that. Stop lying.
Madhouse: Boys, let’s use our words. No fighting. You guys used to be such good friends. What happened?
Gene Simmons: It all started for me in 1975, while on tour in Bavaria, the band stopped into an old church. While visiting the church, Ace was “hopped up on goofballs” and chased me around the rectory and grabbed me by the organ! It was traumatizing. He was like a mad man, it terrified me. Years of therapy helped me cope.
Ace Frehley: BS, that never happened Gene. But you used to wet the bed, you smell like wide open butt and you groped my wife.
Gene Simmons: See that is why you are out of the band, besides you and Peter are drunken wrecks and suck on your instruments.
Peter: Oh yeah then why did you ask us back on the last tour?
Gene Simmons: Ha that was just a trick to harvest your organs. I was going to kill you and sell your organs to Chinese businessmen.
Madhouse: Gene, that is not helpful. Let’s talk about the band. Can we all agree that KISS sucks without all 4 original members, “Love Gun” was your last great album, “I Was Made For Loving You” is the worst song ever recorded and the replacement band members are an embarrassment?
Peter & Ace: [in unison] Amen, we definitely agree with that
Gene: Yeah I guess that’s all true. I was raking in so much money, I never thought about it.
Paul: Yeah Gene you big jerk. Get over here Peter and Ace and give me a hug. I love you guys and miss you.
[*At this point we take a break because all 4 members are in a group hug and tears are flowing. Peter is ugly crying with snot and drool flowing.]
Madhouse: So we just took a break and you guys had a private discussion.
Gene: Well we had a nice chat, all is forgiven, we kissed and made up. Peter and Ace is back in the band and we are doing another End of the World tour, in 2021. Assuming these 2 clowns can stay sober. Just kidding.
Ace: I just want to say thank you Madhouse Magazine, you guys are the best. I love you and we all thank you for this. I never thought I would live to see the day that the original KISS members would be on good terms. It is a miracle.
