Happy Birthday Keith Richards

Keith Richards was born December 18, 1943 somewhere in England. According to Keith’s brother Claude, “Keith was a very funny boy. Always making jokes and pulling tricks” said Claude. “He would form a cup with his hand, fart in it and then hold it over my face and nose. One time I passed out from the smell. Other pranks that Keith pulled on me, he reversed the wires in the light switch. When I tried to turn the switch on I got electrocuted. I spent 5 days in the hospital in a coma. I still cant use my right hand. He was such a little scamp. Good times. Keith’s funniest prank however was when he told me to hand a note to the bank teller. To my surprise, the note told the teller to hand over all the money, that it was a bank robbery. I spent 7 years in penitentiary for that one. We had a good laugh over that one. “

Keith is of course, the guitarist and driving force behind the greatest rock n roll band in the world, The Rolling Stones! Keith has been scientifically proven to be the coolest man on the planet. He created the cool rockstar image, and influenced everyone to ever pick up a guitar since 1964.

I Lift Bro

Keith has the constitution of a horse and his excesses have been widely publicized. When Keith recently announced he was giving up smoking and drinking, Phillip Morris and Jack Daniels stock plummeted. A recent photo shows a ripped Keith. Keith sat down with us and told us his new regimen. “I hit the gym – hard dude. I lift bro! I spend 3 hours a day at the gym and I do lots of reps and sets. Friday is arms day and thats my favorite. I am getting huge bro”.

Keith Richards Illustration By Paul King Art

Keith’s newfound transformation is paying off. He recently won the tour de force, In a stunning performance for the ages, the guitarist, became the second-oldest winner of the 117-year-old event. Richard’s then stunned the world further when he jumped his motorcycle over the grand canyon

In a well deserved honor, Keith was declared a saint by the Pope. Richards is the first saint canonized while still alive. “I know it is unusual” said Pope Francis, but have you heard his riffs!? ‘Satisfaction’ alone would make him worthy of sainthood, but then he wrote like a thousand more amazing riffs! ‘Cant You Hear Me Knocking’, ‘Monkey Man’, ‘Stray Cat Blues’, ‘Start Me Up’, ‘Sympathy for the Devil’, ‘Gimme Shelter’ and hundreds more! If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is!”

Keith Saves The World

In early 2020, it was announced that Keith Richards & Betty White Escaped Earth to an Undisclosed Planet to Repopulate the Species. In a top secret NASA mission, our 2 most prized humans were sent into Outer Space for the duration of the coronavirus, to ensure the survival of the species. The secret mission, known as Operation ‘Midnight Rambler’, has been planned for years and there have been many drills and training missions over the years. “They are being kept safe at a space station in an undisclosed location. All we can say is that they are safe, and when this all blows over, they will be brought back to Earth in time for the Rolling Stones tour.” said Nasa Spokesman Alex King. “If things take a turn for the worse here, the couple will immediately begin repopulating the earth.” When reached for comment, Keith joked “Yeah mate I am on Uranus and there are klingons here. So is your mom.” Cheers Keith – Happy Birthday and Come Back Soon!