Happy Birthday Billy Joel

William Martin Joel was born in New York City, on May 9, 1949 to Helmut and Eva Joel. When he was one year old, his family moved to Hicksville, Long Island.

Inspired by local bullies who often beat and sodomized Billy on his way home from piano lessons, Billy took boxing lessons and became the #1 pugilist on Long Island. Billy once beat Joe Louis in a 12 round bare knuckle match.

Billy was the original sweat hog. Skipping school to smoke cigarettes and hang out with his greaser friends, billy dropped out of HS. His guidance counselor Freddie Fry called Billy a loser who would be digging ditches someday. Mr. Fry was later arrested on child porn charges in 1987. Billy purchased a High School diploma from Hicksville High, for $50K in 1992.

NY State of Mind

In 2009, Billy purchased Long Island from the State of NY. Billy paid only $3 million to then Governor, David Patterson. Patterson, who is blind, was told by Joel that he gave him $3 Billion.

Happy Birthday Billy Joel — Billy Joel Illustration By Paul King Art

Joel purchased Elvis Presley’s final bowel movement at auction last year for $1.7 million. Billy gushed with joy as he cradled the extremely rare fecal matter. “I really feel like I won the lottery” cried Joel. “I want to thank god and Christie Brinkley for granting me this prize. This is the crowning glory of my collection.” Also in Joel’s collection is Sammy Davis Jr’s eye, a condom once worn by Frank Sinatra and Mary Todd Lincoln’s diaphragm.

Billy Joel MSG

Billy has been holding his monthly residency at NYC’s Madison Square Garden for over 15 years now. Joel plans on doing this monthly concert until he drops dead. After his death he will hold his funeral at MSG and will lie in state as fans can view his body and pay respects. Tickets will be $500 each.