Gov Murphy: We Will Not Reopen NJ Until Everyone Buys Bon Jovi’s New Album

Tyrannical New Jersey Governor, Phil Murphy, has admitted that he will not fully reopen the state until every man, woman and child purchases the new Bon Jovi album. 

The Governor and Bon Jovi are neighbors and good friends. The BFF’s roll around naked on their piles of cash together and whip each other with towels every Saturday night. 

The new Bon Jovi album, titled “2020” will be released October 2. It was originally scheduled to be released in May, but was postponed due to the pandemic and because the album sucked. This gave Jon Bon Jovi time to write 2 new songs. The two new songs are poorly written, insipid, cliche driven songs about current events. The first song is a tribute to George Floyd, titled “Hey There, Georgie Boy” and the second is, “My Corona”. 

Governor Murphy commented “We will not fully reopen the state unless we get this album to #1. The curve may have been long flattened, but now we need to rise the curve in Bon Jovi’s poor album sales. Jon needs the help, your businesses can wait a little longer. Now is the time for all citizens to forget their selfish needs for food and shelter and put Jon’s needs first. Jon is my friend but god knows his music sucks, but he does have nice hair.  

A few singles from the album have already been released to less than lukewarm results. Fan, Lori Hartman commented “Umm, the songs are good I guess. His hair still looks good though. Oh and Murphy sucks.” 

Another fan from NJ, Matt Fowler commented, “I would rather eat my own testicles, than listen to this crap. And I’m a vegetarian. Oh and Murphy sucks.”