Fan Left Stranded By Heavy Metal Cruise Unable To Get Home Since March

Claude Balzac has been stuck on a deserted island off the coast of Cozumel since March. 

Mr. Balzac boarded the “Has Beens Of Rock” cruise in Florida on March 1 and set sail for the beautiful destinations of Belize, Cozumel and Bayonne, NJ. 

“Everything was great for the first few days” said his wife, Anita Balzac. “We relaxed in the sun all day getting drunk and then listened to our favorite bands at night by the pool. We got to see ‘Winger’, and a ‘Great White’ tribute band. Claude was living his best life, he got to meet Gunnar Nelson in the men’s room. He went on and on about how big Gunnar’s junk was.”

Anita continued “On the final night of the cruise, Claude was excited to see his favorite band, ‘Ugly Kid Joe’. He had a few ‘Devils Butthole’ cocktails and was feeling no pain. I was a little tipsy myself and went back to the cabin after the first encore. When I awoke in the morning, Claude was nowhere to be found. I spoke to witnesses who said that during the third encore, Claude stripped naked and was dancing on the railing when he fell overboard.”

Anita alerted the Captain, who stated they had a schedule to keep and must leave immediately. They could not stop to look for every drunken buffoon who falls overboard or gets lost at sea.

The ship set sail for Bayonne when Claude texted his wife to tell her that he fell asleep on the island and was too drunk to swim back to the boat. The Captain assured her that when they arrived in Bayonne he would radio and another ship would pick up Claude. The next day everything was shutdown due to Coronavirus. 

Claude has been stuck on the island for 4 months and has been living off Crustaceans, Taco Bell hot sauce packets, and his own urine. Claude was able to send a letter to his wife saying, “I feel abandoned.”  The US State department and homeland security are working diligently and promise to get Claude home by Labor Day.