Eminem Upset To Learn He is Still White! Genetics Test Proves It

Detroit Rapper Eminem was recently devastated after learning that he is still white. A DNA test has revealed that he is Not a person of color. His genealogy can actually be traced directly back to the Mayflower. He is a blue blood, son of the revolution.

Eminem aka Marshall Mathers decided once and for all to prove to the world that he really is a black rapper. Later that day Mathers spit in a test tube and mailed it off to a genetic testing company in Silicon Valley. The results were not what he expected at all.

Eminem

When I got the results I broke down and cried” weeped Eminem. “I’m Caucasian! Oh Why was I cursed like this!? I’m not even 1% black! I am 100% white bread vanilla. The crowd at a Jimmy Buffett concert is blacker than me!

At this point Eminem screamed, “I hate White people. Now I am doomed to their race forever. I was hoping that maybe my Father was a sperm donor or my Mother was a prostitute and I was adopted. It was my dream that my Mother had an illicit affair with Linc from the Mod Squad. But alas, it is not to be.”

“I look white, I have white parents, but I always hoped I would have a little black in me.” sniveled Marshall. Snoop Dogg joked “bend over and I will put a little black in you. A lotta black actually fo shnizzle.”

“Well at least now I can stop speaking with this ridiculous phony urban dialect.” said Eminem eloquently. “I can now speak the King’s English as I was meant to do. I have an overwhelming urge to have a spot of tea. Quick, get me a pumpkin spice Latte and some avocado toast.”

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Eminem By Sebastian Vital Licensed Under CC By 2.0

Eminem & Rhianna By Nona Licensed Under CC By SA 2.0