Due to Rock Star Shortage Satan Settles For Chubby Pop Star Weirdos

Satan held a press conference today to apologize for the embarrassing performance in his name on this years Grammys. Sam Smith a chubby little pop star performed his cute little pop song dressed in red with horns on his hat and dancers in red surrounded by fire. Satan explained that due to the current Rock Star shortage he has to settle for chubby pop star weirdos.

Chubby Pop Stars

Satan went on to further explain that through no fault of his own he is forced to hire misfits, weirdos, outcasts and nerds. “These dummies have no idea who they are and will fall for anything. I miss the days when we had a whole stable of Bad Ass Rock Stars. Now these losers today just regurgitate my sentiments to a soundtrack of sappy pop songs.”

Rock Stars

Beelzebub continued, “Back in the day I was the Man. I had The Stones back in the 60s writing songs of sympathy for me. Ozzy took it to a whole other level and he was my right hand man for years. Jimmy Page worshipped me, I had Alice, Marilyn Manson and all the Heavy Metal bands. Judas Priest was blamed for murder and suicides, I was riding high my friend.”

“However, the one thing all these bands had in common was that their songs rocked! They had drop D tunings, heavy evil riffs and scary dark lyrics. They dressed in black leather and spikes. I was proud to be associated with these acts and that music. They knew what they were doing and I was Rocking AF.”

Rock Star Shortage

“Unfortunately due to age, retirement, happiness, death etc all of my best acts are gone. There are no new bad ass bands coming up to take their places. They are not making anymore Ozzy Osbourne’s. So I am stuck signing up these chubby, nerdy, pop singers. Trust me I know it is ridiculous to attempt to be satanic while singing pop songs but I have no choice. Also I know it doesn’t look right for chubby singers trying to look cool. I don’t care if that is fat shaming, I am Lucifer for chrissakes . But I like my rock stars skinny and sickly and addicted to drugs.”

The world agrees with the Devil and longs for the day when satanic musicians were Badass Rockstars vs chubby Pop Stars. John Pyne wrote a strongly worded email to The Devil after witnessing the Grammys. “Dear Devil, tonight’s performance was your worst yet. I was embarrassed for you watching this. You should be ashamed to put your name on that insipid pop drivel. Do better, Love John.”