Donald Trump Turns Asian After Eating Mystery Seeds From China

President Donald Trump ingested a package of mystery seeds and immediately turned Chinese. 

The seeds are apparently part of a strange scam that has been sprouting up in the mailboxes of Americans across the country. From New York to Washington state, a growing number of people have recently reported receiving unsolicited shipments of seeds sent from China.

“They were delicious” said President Trump. “I was hungry and wanted a snack and i saw this bag of seeds on my desk. I thought they were free pistachios. I love pistachios. Who knew those devious little Chinese were up to their old tricks.”

About an hour later, the President started feeling sick. “I threw my guts up” said President Trump. “Then it started coming out of both ends, real explosive stuff, it was like a crime scene in my bathroom. I washed up and when I looked in the mirror, I was Chinese! I started freaking out and went to my Doctor. Luckily he assured me that it is not permanent and would wear off shortly. See, those Chinese can’t make anything good. Only throw away junk.”

Another man in Oregon, Russell Worrell, planted the seeds, and the next day, six foot man eating plants sprouted from the earth and ate his dogs. “It was like a scene out of Little Shop of Horrors” screamed Worrell. “I got my flame thrower out and scorched the eff out of those plants. It looks like Vietnam in my backyard now.”

Anyone who receives the unsolicited packages should immediately contact their local plant regulatory officials or the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service in their state, the USDA said. (Who knew any of these organizations existed?) Do NOT eat them. Do NOT Plant them. Store them in a safe place and do not let pets or children have access to them.