David Lee Roth Joins Olympics Figure Skating Team
By Courtney Cronin Dold
The former Van Halen front man has finally found a place to wear his tight pants again as the newest member of the US Men’s figure skating team.
That’s right Diamond Dave will be representing the US in the next Olympics and Sammy Hagar will not.
David says, “I’ve always done jumps and spins! But now I’m just doing it on ice instead of on cocaine.”
Dave’s costume will consist of bright orange spandex pants, no shirt, and no toupee. Along with a custom pair of sensible skates and leather fringed gloves.
Dave will be skating his short program to the Van Halen song “Jump” and his long program to the refrain of “Just Like Paradise” which is 13 minutes long. And by the time it’s finally over everyone will want to go home.
When asked about his skating abilities coach Lisa Pelofksy stated, “Dave is damn good but he does have a filthy little mouth.” Dave replied, “She’s my machine! But what can I do, I’m just a Gigolo.”
Because he’s 65 years old and has an enlarged prostate, the judges have allowed Dave to invent his own jumps and spins that should get the crowd going wild!
His signature moves are, the triple putz, the diver down spiral, and the fan favorite the Bop boze-de-boze-de-bop se-de-bop.
Dave is a bit reckless on the ice and sources say he almost injured himself during practice when he tried his famous sideways high kick and almost lodged the skate blade into his head.
When asked about his competition Dave says, “I’m just gonna’ eat ‘em and smile and then Hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla boobuhla hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla bop!”
Even though that doesn’t make any sense we believe that Dave will do his best to embarrass himself, and our country.
Currently Dave is on super secret probation and if he doesn’t perform well at his next exhibition coaches have threatened to replace him with Gary Cherone.
