David Hasselhoff Delivers Litter of Kittens While Stool-Softener Shopping in Germany.

Author: Claudia Stavola

The Hoff was about to enter Kummerspeck Pharmacy when he heard high-pitched yelping from behind. Assuming it was just another one of his bowel howls that had been intensifying over the last week (hence why he was in search of a suitable stool softener), Hoff initially ignored the cry for help. But when it came again without the stench of rotten bratwurst and Dunkles Lagerbier, Hoff said to himself, “Something’s rotten in Denmark.” It was later determined that Hasselhoff did in fact believe he was in Denmark and has been unaware of his actual whereabouts for the last 17 years. He had no idea he was in the midst of his concert tour and set to play the Barclaycard Arena. He only agreed to the performance because his manager said, “Mmm, Hamburg. Yum yum,” while patting his client’s tummy.

Hoff followed the squeals to an alleyway next to the pharmacy where he stumbled upon a fat, sweaty Ukrainian Levkoy cat. According to onlookers, his initial response was, “Eww, gross. I wouldn’t bang her with Leif Garrett’s schnitzel. The Hoff doesn’t mess with wrinkled, gray pussies.”

He seemed unaware of the fact he’s old and can no longer be picky…and that the cat was in labor…and it was a CAT! But then he sprang into action. Just like the action characters he’s played on TV, he had no idea what he was doing, but stopped to stare off into the distance with a pondering yet sexy look (sexy only to midwestern housewives with wallpapered kitchens and recipes containing cream of mushroom soup). He immediately removed his shirt, dropped to the floor in his dungarees and started slurring his words. Something about his garbled rambling seemed to put the cat at ease. As each kitten slid out, Hoff briefly put each one in his mouth like a delicious burger. A crowd of about 20 people had gathered at this point.

Long-time fan Helga Ziegenfuss managed to capture some of it on video. The Hoff can be seen masterfully manhandling each kitten with his eyes half shut and his jeans firmly buttoned beneath his belly which, at times, was mistaken for the kittens due to its soft, fluffy appearance. Hasselhoff suddenly perked up and belted out, “Open Your Eyes” to the newborn felines in an attempt to promote his September 2019 single and album of the same name. Ironically, “open your ears” is what Americans have been trying to tell Hoff’s loyal German fans for the last 30 years.