Charo Added to Superbowl Lineup

By Claudia Stavola

While many have been heaping praise on the NFL for co-headlining two individuals from marginalized sectors of society (shitty yet insanely hot singers with asses that don’t quit…oh, and Latina females), some groups have been putting pressure on the league for not doing enough. The leader for the activist group #MeTooUglyNotToBeAFeminist spoke to Madhouse News recently saying, “We realized an entire group of women weren’t being represented. How ‘bout them old bags?” That pressure led the NFL to amp things up. They saw this as a chance to highlight their ongoing support of women (as also evidenced by repeatedly hiring domestic abusers and then slapping them on the wrist when incidents come to light).

They put their CTE-riddled brains together asking, “Who’s an old, flamboyant female who can flit around like a bedazzled fairy?” They decided on Rip Taylor. Thanks CTE! He’s dead. Ultimately, they settled on Charo. It was either her or Consuela, the maid from Family Guy. Charo immediately started dusting off her cuchi cuchi in preparation for the gig, and rehearsals have already begun.

Charo will perform at this years Super-bowl Halftime Show

A behind-the-scenes source has leaked some details of the highly anticipated performances. Shakira is rumored to be opening the show, which happens to be her 43^rd birthday. She’ll emerge out of a giant birthday flan singing her hit “Whenever, Wherever.” Her male backup dancers will lick the flan off of her and then vomit backstage because they prefer man-flan. Midway through Shakira’s set, J-Lo will join her for a new rendition of “Hips Don’t Lie” called, “My Hips Don’t Lie but My Face Does Thanks to Botox.”

The unnamed source at the rehearsal revealed that while most of the songs will be collaborative, J-Lo will still hog all the glory and sequins. But where does Charo fit into all of this? The center square of course! She’ll be wheeled out on a replicated Hollywood Squares set, firmly planted in the center square. This is supposed to happen during the grand finale which will be a medley of the ladies’ hits, ending in “Let’s Get Loud” (something often said by the old and now deaf J-Lo and Charo). The three will end the show side-by-side, and ultimately be mistaken for a “before, during, and after” photo.